6.12.10
Sigh
So tumblr is down. If you didn't know I moved to tumblr sorry, I did. But it's been down. And I have something I want to post. So I'll post it here. Genius!
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of a lot of things.
I'm afraid of being wrong.
I'm afraid of disappointment.
I'm afraid of loss.
But mainly, I'm afraid of being happy. Yes, you read that right. I'm afraid of being happy. You might ask "why?"
Well, I'm afraid if I'm happy it means that I'm ok with how my life is. I'm afraid I'll be ok with my situation right now. I'm afraid that if I'm happy, I'll start to wonder why I was unhappy for so long.
My therapist brought this up this week. He told me I should move on from the pain I'm feeling right now and work on being happy. He also explained why I'm afraid to move from this spot in life.
See, even though I'm going through some hard things right now, I've been going through it so long that I'm used to it. Does that make sense? Basically I'm saying that I've been in this situation for so long that ironically I am ok with it. It hurts, but I know how much it hurts. It's a comfortable hurt.
So I'm afraid to stop hurting. I'm afraid that the minute I'm happy, something else will come into my life, something harder. Something that will cause me more pain, more hurt. I'm afraid of change, that the minute I move on from this pain, God will throw something harder into my life.
So why bother being happy, or trying to be happy, when it won't last? Whenever I'm tempted to be optimistic, I'm reminded of something that President Hinckley quoted on several occasions.
"Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”
To me, this says "Expect life to suck most of the time. Only occasionally will you be truly happy. But be grateful anyway." Basically: be a grateful pessimist. I know that's not really what President Hinckley was trying to say when he quoted this.
But whenever I think about being happy I'm reminded of this quote and think to myself: "is it really worth it?"
19.10.10
Where I feel like a jerk...
...and cry over it.
I will tell you a story. And then you can tell me if I'm a jerk or not.
It all started during #ldsconf. Yes, a hashtag. Twice a year on Twitter you have the opportunity to find new lds peeps who are on Twitter. We tweet conference using the hash tag #ldsconf. Well, during this past conference I had obtained some more followers, simply because I was lds. On Twitter I have this rule where I don't usually follow someone back unless they talk to me first.
One of my new followers did so. A few times, in fact. So, after a few weeks, I started following him back. Then we started talking more, just on Twitter. His name is Jason. I'm debating putting his Twitter name out there. But considering it.
So last week we were talking so much on Twitter, I asked if he used a instant messenger service. He said msn. So we exchanged email addresses and started chatting.
Now I'd like to state here that he lives on the east coast, a long way from me. I didn't have any romantic thoughts (ok, maybe a few. But they weren't realistic and I knew it). I wanted to be friends. We talked a bit online, and then we exchanged phone numbers so we could text. I was having fun talking to him, and I thought he enjoyed it, too.
It all ended Saturday night. We were talking. He was watching a football game. His favorite team. They lost. He snapped. Started swearing and stuff on Twitter. Saying all his friends were liars. Saying he'd never date lds gitls because they were too boring. I tried texting him, telling him I was there for him, as a friend. He never responded, but on Twitter he did tell everyone to stop bugging him and f-off (using the real word).
So I just laid down and cried. I was worried about him, but he didn't care about me at all. It hurt. I hoped Sunday morning he'd wake up and apologize.
Well, he did wake up, and apparently he was a bit sorry for swearing, but he never apologized to me. And when I did try talking to him on Twitter he just responded with 'I'll never date an lds girl'. Then he apologized to all the lds people who were following him, who got his swearing. But not me, because hey, I'm only an lds girl. So I told him "you're either an idiot or a jerk". He responded "yep, I'm a jerk".
Made me start to feel guilty. Was he really a jerk? Or was I not giving him a chance to explain himself?
This afternoon he tweeted: "hello #lds"
Well, I'm lds, so I responded "hi"
His response: "@cspokey ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
I said: "am I that scary?"
He said: "@cspokey shutup looks don't mean anything to me"
Um, ok? What is that supposed to mean? We are friends on Facebook, so he's seen a picture of me. Maybe he's trying to say I might be good looking but I'm a jerk? I don't get this guy.
And now he further confuses me. Not only is he still following, but he responded to me. What is up with that?
So, am I the jerk, or is he?
I will tell you a story. And then you can tell me if I'm a jerk or not.
It all started during #ldsconf. Yes, a hashtag. Twice a year on Twitter you have the opportunity to find new lds peeps who are on Twitter. We tweet conference using the hash tag #ldsconf. Well, during this past conference I had obtained some more followers, simply because I was lds. On Twitter I have this rule where I don't usually follow someone back unless they talk to me first.
One of my new followers did so. A few times, in fact. So, after a few weeks, I started following him back. Then we started talking more, just on Twitter. His name is Jason. I'm debating putting his Twitter name out there. But considering it.
So last week we were talking so much on Twitter, I asked if he used a instant messenger service. He said msn. So we exchanged email addresses and started chatting.
Now I'd like to state here that he lives on the east coast, a long way from me. I didn't have any romantic thoughts (ok, maybe a few. But they weren't realistic and I knew it). I wanted to be friends. We talked a bit online, and then we exchanged phone numbers so we could text. I was having fun talking to him, and I thought he enjoyed it, too.
It all ended Saturday night. We were talking. He was watching a football game. His favorite team. They lost. He snapped. Started swearing and stuff on Twitter. Saying all his friends were liars. Saying he'd never date lds gitls because they were too boring. I tried texting him, telling him I was there for him, as a friend. He never responded, but on Twitter he did tell everyone to stop bugging him and f-off (using the real word).
So I just laid down and cried. I was worried about him, but he didn't care about me at all. It hurt. I hoped Sunday morning he'd wake up and apologize.
Well, he did wake up, and apparently he was a bit sorry for swearing, but he never apologized to me. And when I did try talking to him on Twitter he just responded with 'I'll never date an lds girl'. Then he apologized to all the lds people who were following him, who got his swearing. But not me, because hey, I'm only an lds girl. So I told him "you're either an idiot or a jerk". He responded "yep, I'm a jerk".
Made me start to feel guilty. Was he really a jerk? Or was I not giving him a chance to explain himself?
This afternoon he tweeted: "hello #lds"
Well, I'm lds, so I responded "hi"
His response: "@cspokey ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
I said: "am I that scary?"
He said: "@cspokey shutup looks don't mean anything to me"
Um, ok? What is that supposed to mean? We are friends on Facebook, so he's seen a picture of me. Maybe he's trying to say I might be good looking but I'm a jerk? I don't get this guy.
And now he further confuses me. Not only is he still following, but he responded to me. What is up with that?
So, am I the jerk, or is he?
18.10.10
A 6 hour nap
I took a 6 hour nap today.
Please don't hate me. You see, I'm sick. It about the only time I CAN nap. I honestly did not think that I'd be able to fall asleep. Usually, even when I am sick, I still can't sleep. I usually lay down and read, or tweet. But today I left rehab early, sat down in a recliner, put my feet up, and I was a goner. And then I woke up at about 5 pm, confused.
I'm trying to think of something witty to say here. The only thing I can think of is this:
Pandora, never again play Michael Buble on my Jacks Mannequin station. Never.
Please don't hate me. You see, I'm sick. It about the only time I CAN nap. I honestly did not think that I'd be able to fall asleep. Usually, even when I am sick, I still can't sleep. I usually lay down and read, or tweet. But today I left rehab early, sat down in a recliner, put my feet up, and I was a goner. And then I woke up at about 5 pm, confused.
I'm trying to think of something witty to say here. The only thing I can think of is this:
Pandora, never again play Michael Buble on my Jacks Mannequin station. Never.
17.10.10
Thoughts on blogging
I've made it! Well, a week at least. Blogging everyday. I can do this. Thank you for your support.
Today my mom made a comment. Maybe she wasn't thinking. Maybe she really thinks this way. Either way, it hurt. Here's the conversation.
Me (checking blog stats): Wow, I'm popular!
Mom: Why are you popular?
Me: 44 people have viewed my blog today.
Mom: *sigh* 44 people with nothing else better to do.
It stings. I know my mom thinks blogging is a waste of time. But to say that what I'm writing is so useless that I'm wasting other peoples time? Or that the only people who would read my blog are people with 'nothing el better to do'?
I've stopped trying to convince my mom that Twitter is useful. She thinks it's a waste of time, and probably always will think that way. It looks like she also thinks it's a waste of time to blog. And to read blogs.
It hurts. She's never read a blog post. I don't know what she thinks I'm blogging about, but it's not dumb. It's my thoughts. My experiences. And if she thinks writing them down so other people can read them is a waste, what about journal keeping?
This is a way for me to express myself. In a way, it has become my journal.
And I'm not going to stop.
Edit: it's come to my mind that it may appear that I'm just putting my mom down. Or I don't love her. Neither are true. We just disagree on some points.
Today my mom made a comment. Maybe she wasn't thinking. Maybe she really thinks this way. Either way, it hurt. Here's the conversation.
Me (checking blog stats): Wow, I'm popular!
Mom: Why are you popular?
Me: 44 people have viewed my blog today.
Mom: *sigh* 44 people with nothing else better to do.
It stings. I know my mom thinks blogging is a waste of time. But to say that what I'm writing is so useless that I'm wasting other peoples time? Or that the only people who would read my blog are people with 'nothing el better to do'?
I've stopped trying to convince my mom that Twitter is useful. She thinks it's a waste of time, and probably always will think that way. It looks like she also thinks it's a waste of time to blog. And to read blogs.
It hurts. She's never read a blog post. I don't know what she thinks I'm blogging about, but it's not dumb. It's my thoughts. My experiences. And if she thinks writing them down so other people can read them is a waste, what about journal keeping?
This is a way for me to express myself. In a way, it has become my journal.
And I'm not going to stop.
Edit: it's come to my mind that it may appear that I'm just putting my mom down. Or I don't love her. Neither are true. We just disagree on some points.
16.10.10
You know it's a bad day when...
...when you start wondering if your Prozac is working.
...when you start thinking you're useless. And lazy.
...when you start thinking that you serve no purpose.
...when you start wondering why you're still alive.
...when you realize the only reason you are alive is because lots of people would be mad at you.
...when you start thinking that maybe they'd be happy with you gone.
...when you realize you could do it tonight.
I thought about it. I do almost everyday, to be honest. Usually not really seriously, but I wonder what would have happened if I had gone through with it in June. (that's a story for another day)
Don't worry, if I got that serious about it I have many friends to turn to, to convince me otherwise. To remind me that I am awesome.
And life is worth it.
...when you start thinking you're useless. And lazy.
...when you start thinking that you serve no purpose.
...when you start wondering why you're still alive.
...when you realize the only reason you are alive is because lots of people would be mad at you.
...when you start thinking that maybe they'd be happy with you gone.
...when you realize you could do it tonight.
I thought about it. I do almost everyday, to be honest. Usually not really seriously, but I wonder what would have happened if I had gone through with it in June. (that's a story for another day)
Don't worry, if I got that serious about it I have many friends to turn to, to convince me otherwise. To remind me that I am awesome.
And life is worth it.
Sigh
I was going to blog about my fun afternoon. I visited Jenndola, ran the battery down in my moms car and got it jump started, and went out with a friend.
But after I left my friends apartment, my mood immediately went downhill.
It's times like this that I wonder if my body thinks it's normal state is depressed. If it suddenly realizes "Hey! You've been happy for the past few days, I need to remind you how awful you REALLY are".
And then I think about all the little things that make me an awful person. At first I fight it, but then I realize it's after midnight and I'm tired and giving myself a headache isn't the best idea. So I just tell myself - "Self, please stop. I'm going to bed, and when I wake up, I better be in a good mood".
And now it's time to take my sleeping pill. Goodnight.
But after I left my friends apartment, my mood immediately went downhill.
It's times like this that I wonder if my body thinks it's normal state is depressed. If it suddenly realizes "Hey! You've been happy for the past few days, I need to remind you how awful you REALLY are".
And then I think about all the little things that make me an awful person. At first I fight it, but then I realize it's after midnight and I'm tired and giving myself a headache isn't the best idea. So I just tell myself - "Self, please stop. I'm going to bed, and when I wake up, I better be in a good mood".
And now it's time to take my sleeping pill. Goodnight.
14.10.10
Maybe I have writers block
I have no idea what to blog about! And I've only been going since Sunday! Man, you experienced bloggeres make it look so easy. Of course, not all of you blog every day...
So, I'm going to share something with you. That I love.
Affirmation
Savage Garden
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe that your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
Untill you say goodbye
Oh no no no no no no no no no no no wooow woow wooow
It's a bit old. If you don't know it, go look it up and listen.
And yes, I believe it all.
So, I'm going to share something with you. That I love.
Affirmation
Savage Garden
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe that your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
Untill you say goodbye
Oh no no no no no no no no no no no wooow woow wooow
It's a bit old. If you don't know it, go look it up and listen.
And yes, I believe it all.
13.10.10
Electronics + water = dead electronics
So, sorry. I can't post about my haircut. You see, my iPad has become my laptop. But blogger likes flash. And apple doesn't like flash. So while I'm on my iPad I can't upload pictures to blogger. And what's a post on a haircut without pictures?
So instead I'll tell you of my two loves, and how I keep forgetting how much they don't mix. These loves are, of course, electronics and water.
I've always loved water, ever since I was tiny. I never wanted to leave the swimming pool. I loved baths (actually, both of those are still true). So, my first love was water. But then I got older and discovered electronics. And they were amazing. I bought my first iPod in high school. On my own, with only the help of a $30 birthday check. And that's when I discovered the horror: electronics don't like water.
I was lucky with my first iPod. It was a first generation shuffle (remember those?). So I really couldn't use it in the tub or anything. My second iPod wasn't so lucky. I dropped it in the toilet. It still worked, but it always thought it was charging, so it was always on. My third iPod I was more careful with. It still works! My fourth was an iPod touch, my baby. I took great care of it, at first. But then I got careless. And it ended up in the tub. It still turns on and is ok, but it won't do wifi anymore. Sad day!
Oh, and somewhere in there I got a MacBook and after a few years I spilled a cup of water on it and now it's dead too.
So, now I have an iPad. I've had it a little over two months. I've been so careful with it. But I know one day, I'll want it with me by the tub. So I started looking for a way to waterproof it, temporarily, so I could play with it around water.
I asked Twitter and @jaycarr recommended a ziplock bag. He said the touch screen still worked through the bag. So I tried it. And it worked!
(There is a picture. Here. http://twitpic.com/2xfjjv)
Now I just need to remember my bag...
So instead I'll tell you of my two loves, and how I keep forgetting how much they don't mix. These loves are, of course, electronics and water.
I've always loved water, ever since I was tiny. I never wanted to leave the swimming pool. I loved baths (actually, both of those are still true). So, my first love was water. But then I got older and discovered electronics. And they were amazing. I bought my first iPod in high school. On my own, with only the help of a $30 birthday check. And that's when I discovered the horror: electronics don't like water.
I was lucky with my first iPod. It was a first generation shuffle (remember those?). So I really couldn't use it in the tub or anything. My second iPod wasn't so lucky. I dropped it in the toilet. It still worked, but it always thought it was charging, so it was always on. My third iPod I was more careful with. It still works! My fourth was an iPod touch, my baby. I took great care of it, at first. But then I got careless. And it ended up in the tub. It still turns on and is ok, but it won't do wifi anymore. Sad day!
Oh, and somewhere in there I got a MacBook and after a few years I spilled a cup of water on it and now it's dead too.
So, now I have an iPad. I've had it a little over two months. I've been so careful with it. But I know one day, I'll want it with me by the tub. So I started looking for a way to waterproof it, temporarily, so I could play with it around water.
I asked Twitter and @jaycarr recommended a ziplock bag. He said the touch screen still worked through the bag. So I tried it. And it worked!
(There is a picture. Here. http://twitpic.com/2xfjjv)
Now I just need to remember my bag...
12.10.10
I got my hair cut but you don't get to hear about it until tomorrow
Everyone's watching the miners get rescued, and I'm stuck thinking about what to write about. I did get my haircut, but all my photos are on my phone and to get them onto my aid I have to email them to myself, one by one. I'll do that tomorrow.
So today, I'm going to do something that a friend of mine(http://bit.ly/bk9bu2) does. It's called Ten on Tuesdays (http://bit.ly/c75Clk). You answer ten questions about yourself. This week it's on working out.
1. What does your work out schedule look like?
Rehab Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday I'm supposed to exercise for 20 minutes at home. Rest on Sunday.
2. What is your favorite machine to use at the gym?
The bike. It turns my legs to jelly, but I love working my legs!
3. What is your favorite class to take at the gym?
I guess I could say I've been blessed with my own personal trainer, so I haven't taken any classes. Ha!
4. Where do you shop for work out gear and clothing?
I don’t. I work out In jeans. :)
5. If you can’t go to the gym, do you have a favorite outdoor activity?
Chasing nieces and nephews around. Quite the exercise, actually.
6. What about a favorite work out DVD?
Does the Wii Fit count?
7. Are you more active now or when you were in high school?
Now. Hey, I have my own personal trainer!
8. How has your dieting/working out philosophy changed since high school?
I didn't have one in high school, and I was fine. I couldn't ever run, but I figured that was just because I never ran. Of course, now I know the REAL reason. Now my philosophy is Be Healthy. I'm at a healthy weight, so I'm not worried about dieting. I need to get my heart in shape, so I'm exercising. Or trying to.
9. What do you do while working out– (i.e., day dream, read, listen to music, gab with a friend)?
Twitter and listen to music.
10. What working out resolution would you like to make for yourself this year?
To make working out a habit. Even if it's not 6 days a week, I want to be able to run, one day.
See you tomorrow!
So today, I'm going to do something that a friend of mine(http://bit.ly/bk9bu2) does. It's called Ten on Tuesdays (http://bit.ly/c75Clk). You answer ten questions about yourself. This week it's on working out.
1. What does your work out schedule look like?
Rehab Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday I'm supposed to exercise for 20 minutes at home. Rest on Sunday.
2. What is your favorite machine to use at the gym?
The bike. It turns my legs to jelly, but I love working my legs!
3. What is your favorite class to take at the gym?
I guess I could say I've been blessed with my own personal trainer, so I haven't taken any classes. Ha!
4. Where do you shop for work out gear and clothing?
I don’t. I work out In jeans. :)
5. If you can’t go to the gym, do you have a favorite outdoor activity?
Chasing nieces and nephews around. Quite the exercise, actually.
6. What about a favorite work out DVD?
Does the Wii Fit count?
7. Are you more active now or when you were in high school?
Now. Hey, I have my own personal trainer!
8. How has your dieting/working out philosophy changed since high school?
I didn't have one in high school, and I was fine. I couldn't ever run, but I figured that was just because I never ran. Of course, now I know the REAL reason. Now my philosophy is Be Healthy. I'm at a healthy weight, so I'm not worried about dieting. I need to get my heart in shape, so I'm exercising. Or trying to.
9. What do you do while working out– (i.e., day dream, read, listen to music, gab with a friend)?
Twitter and listen to music.
10. What working out resolution would you like to make for yourself this year?
To make working out a habit. Even if it's not 6 days a week, I want to be able to run, one day.
See you tomorrow!
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