I've thought about doing this for a while. But I've never had the nerve. Until today. So here it goes.
I have depression.
There. I said it. I admitted it. Online. I've suffered this for a while, and I started seeing a therapist in September/October of last year. And I've been on medication since January.
I don't know why it's so hard to admit this. I guess I like to pretend online that my life is perfect, or at least more normal than this.
I guess I also think that no one wants to listen to someone whine about how much their life sucks and how they just want to die. To be honest, I know I have much to be thankful for. I just feel like hell right now. And my brain keeps telling me it's never going to get better. I feel like a total failure, like I've let everyone down. Like I don't deserve to live. Like it would be better for the whole world if I died. And my thought process goes down from there. Until I'm convinced that I need to just go ahead and kill myself.
Obviously I haven't done this yet. I have a lot of friends who I talk to when it gets too bad. And I'm trying to live. Right now I know I can't get better on my own. Last week we increased my dose with my "happy pills" but with all SSRI's it takes up to 5 weeks for us to see if it's working. So I have a few more weeks of plodding through before I even know if this is working. And if not, I get to start over with a different prescription. Sounds fun, right? This also makes me just want to give up.
But, I'm doing it. I'm alive. I can't do much. But somehow I get myself to get out of bed (Having family in town helps. No, let me rephrase that. The only reason I get out of bed is because I have my sister in town.), and talk to family. A little. And I listen to Linkin Park. And feel like crying. And sometimes I do cry.
One day Maybe I'll feel better. I'm trying to have hope, but mainly I'm just convincing myself that I'm too tired to kill myself today. And it works.
I know how it feels to forget what it was like to be happy and to thus fail to believe you can ever be happy again. But you will be.
ReplyDeleteDid Holly pass on my suggestion for you to check out http://www.truehope.com Or is it .org?
I found your post in a round about sort of way, but am sure nothing happens by coincedence. So, I'm hoping you will not think I am wierd, but I felt like I needed to comment.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, my heart goes out to you. While I have not suffered with the kind of depression you have, I have had my bouts with mild depression. I will not say I know how you feel, because I don't, I can't, I have not had to deal with what you are dealing with. I believe depression can be hereditary, my dad takes "happy pills", I worry that if I am not careful I could let myself slide into that pit.
I know sometimes being a member of the church puts untold pressure on us to be "perfect", which doesn't help. I am not going to tell you just to pray about it, and it will go away. While I do have faith in prayer, I believe depression cannot just be prayed away. It is a real physiological disease. You would not pray away a broken arm, you would get medical attention. So I applaud you for getting help. And I applaud you for being brave enough to write about it on your blog.
So, the reason I chose to comment is because I think I might be able to help you. Don't know if you have ever heard about essential oils, but they are amazing! They help with so many physical, mental and emotional health issues. There are several different oils that could help you with your depression. Everyone is different, you just need to find the oils that resonate the best with you. The first one that comes to mind is Frankincense, it is amazing with depression. Also citrus oils like Bergamot and Wild Orange (my personal favorite, I call it happiness in a bottle!). Some people find Lavender to be very calming and sedative.
Here is a link with stories of what some people are finding helpful for their depression.
http://www.everythingessential.me/HealthConcerns/Depression.html#page=page-3
I would be happy to talk with you more, if you are interested. If you think I'm nuts and want to ignore me, that's Ok too. I understand.
Just know that someone cares, and remember there is only one person who enjoys seeing you be miserable, don't let him win. The Savior knows all that you are going through, he has felt your pain. There is a Kenneth Cope song called Gethsemane that never fails to help me remember that my Savior loves me and cares about me. Here's a link to the song http://iLike.com/s/7RZ3
I hope it brings you peace and comfort.
Don't give up, don't ever ever give up!!
Joni Lang
jtlang1029@yahoo.com
Just so you know... it's not something that it that uncommon... My dad has depression, my brother is borderline... my sister in law has had depression but is off her medication now and doing fine... and my roommate during college is manic-depressive. It's hard and I'm proud of you for dealing with it! Again... if it gets too much I'm always right here you can come and distract yourself!
ReplyDeleteI've lost track of how many anti-depressants I've been on. I'm sure if I looked at my dental information sheet I could count them all, but I'm not going back to the dentist for another 6 months (hooray!). I've been on anti-depressants since the 5th grade. For those of us who are paying attention, that's age 10. I've been taking pills on a daily basis (more or less) for more than half of my life now.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm saying is, you're not alone. It can get better. You'll have your days (even on a drug that "works"), but it doesn't last FOREVER. It just feels like it. Feel free to email me. Or DM me on Twitter. Or whatever. You'd be surprised how much I understand what you're going through.