6.12.10
Sigh
So tumblr is down. If you didn't know I moved to tumblr sorry, I did. But it's been down. And I have something I want to post. So I'll post it here. Genius!
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of a lot of things.
I'm afraid of being wrong.
I'm afraid of disappointment.
I'm afraid of loss.
But mainly, I'm afraid of being happy. Yes, you read that right. I'm afraid of being happy. You might ask "why?"
Well, I'm afraid if I'm happy it means that I'm ok with how my life is. I'm afraid I'll be ok with my situation right now. I'm afraid that if I'm happy, I'll start to wonder why I was unhappy for so long.
My therapist brought this up this week. He told me I should move on from the pain I'm feeling right now and work on being happy. He also explained why I'm afraid to move from this spot in life.
See, even though I'm going through some hard things right now, I've been going through it so long that I'm used to it. Does that make sense? Basically I'm saying that I've been in this situation for so long that ironically I am ok with it. It hurts, but I know how much it hurts. It's a comfortable hurt.
So I'm afraid to stop hurting. I'm afraid that the minute I'm happy, something else will come into my life, something harder. Something that will cause me more pain, more hurt. I'm afraid of change, that the minute I move on from this pain, God will throw something harder into my life.
So why bother being happy, or trying to be happy, when it won't last? Whenever I'm tempted to be optimistic, I'm reminded of something that President Hinckley quoted on several occasions.
"Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”
To me, this says "Expect life to suck most of the time. Only occasionally will you be truly happy. But be grateful anyway." Basically: be a grateful pessimist. I know that's not really what President Hinckley was trying to say when he quoted this.
But whenever I think about being happy I'm reminded of this quote and think to myself: "is it really worth it?"
19.10.10
Where I feel like a jerk...
...and cry over it.
I will tell you a story. And then you can tell me if I'm a jerk or not.
It all started during #ldsconf. Yes, a hashtag. Twice a year on Twitter you have the opportunity to find new lds peeps who are on Twitter. We tweet conference using the hash tag #ldsconf. Well, during this past conference I had obtained some more followers, simply because I was lds. On Twitter I have this rule where I don't usually follow someone back unless they talk to me first.
One of my new followers did so. A few times, in fact. So, after a few weeks, I started following him back. Then we started talking more, just on Twitter. His name is Jason. I'm debating putting his Twitter name out there. But considering it.
So last week we were talking so much on Twitter, I asked if he used a instant messenger service. He said msn. So we exchanged email addresses and started chatting.
Now I'd like to state here that he lives on the east coast, a long way from me. I didn't have any romantic thoughts (ok, maybe a few. But they weren't realistic and I knew it). I wanted to be friends. We talked a bit online, and then we exchanged phone numbers so we could text. I was having fun talking to him, and I thought he enjoyed it, too.
It all ended Saturday night. We were talking. He was watching a football game. His favorite team. They lost. He snapped. Started swearing and stuff on Twitter. Saying all his friends were liars. Saying he'd never date lds gitls because they were too boring. I tried texting him, telling him I was there for him, as a friend. He never responded, but on Twitter he did tell everyone to stop bugging him and f-off (using the real word).
So I just laid down and cried. I was worried about him, but he didn't care about me at all. It hurt. I hoped Sunday morning he'd wake up and apologize.
Well, he did wake up, and apparently he was a bit sorry for swearing, but he never apologized to me. And when I did try talking to him on Twitter he just responded with 'I'll never date an lds girl'. Then he apologized to all the lds people who were following him, who got his swearing. But not me, because hey, I'm only an lds girl. So I told him "you're either an idiot or a jerk". He responded "yep, I'm a jerk".
Made me start to feel guilty. Was he really a jerk? Or was I not giving him a chance to explain himself?
This afternoon he tweeted: "hello #lds"
Well, I'm lds, so I responded "hi"
His response: "@cspokey ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
I said: "am I that scary?"
He said: "@cspokey shutup looks don't mean anything to me"
Um, ok? What is that supposed to mean? We are friends on Facebook, so he's seen a picture of me. Maybe he's trying to say I might be good looking but I'm a jerk? I don't get this guy.
And now he further confuses me. Not only is he still following, but he responded to me. What is up with that?
So, am I the jerk, or is he?
I will tell you a story. And then you can tell me if I'm a jerk or not.
It all started during #ldsconf. Yes, a hashtag. Twice a year on Twitter you have the opportunity to find new lds peeps who are on Twitter. We tweet conference using the hash tag #ldsconf. Well, during this past conference I had obtained some more followers, simply because I was lds. On Twitter I have this rule where I don't usually follow someone back unless they talk to me first.
One of my new followers did so. A few times, in fact. So, after a few weeks, I started following him back. Then we started talking more, just on Twitter. His name is Jason. I'm debating putting his Twitter name out there. But considering it.
So last week we were talking so much on Twitter, I asked if he used a instant messenger service. He said msn. So we exchanged email addresses and started chatting.
Now I'd like to state here that he lives on the east coast, a long way from me. I didn't have any romantic thoughts (ok, maybe a few. But they weren't realistic and I knew it). I wanted to be friends. We talked a bit online, and then we exchanged phone numbers so we could text. I was having fun talking to him, and I thought he enjoyed it, too.
It all ended Saturday night. We were talking. He was watching a football game. His favorite team. They lost. He snapped. Started swearing and stuff on Twitter. Saying all his friends were liars. Saying he'd never date lds gitls because they were too boring. I tried texting him, telling him I was there for him, as a friend. He never responded, but on Twitter he did tell everyone to stop bugging him and f-off (using the real word).
So I just laid down and cried. I was worried about him, but he didn't care about me at all. It hurt. I hoped Sunday morning he'd wake up and apologize.
Well, he did wake up, and apparently he was a bit sorry for swearing, but he never apologized to me. And when I did try talking to him on Twitter he just responded with 'I'll never date an lds girl'. Then he apologized to all the lds people who were following him, who got his swearing. But not me, because hey, I'm only an lds girl. So I told him "you're either an idiot or a jerk". He responded "yep, I'm a jerk".
Made me start to feel guilty. Was he really a jerk? Or was I not giving him a chance to explain himself?
This afternoon he tweeted: "hello #lds"
Well, I'm lds, so I responded "hi"
His response: "@cspokey ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
I said: "am I that scary?"
He said: "@cspokey shutup looks don't mean anything to me"
Um, ok? What is that supposed to mean? We are friends on Facebook, so he's seen a picture of me. Maybe he's trying to say I might be good looking but I'm a jerk? I don't get this guy.
And now he further confuses me. Not only is he still following, but he responded to me. What is up with that?
So, am I the jerk, or is he?
18.10.10
A 6 hour nap
I took a 6 hour nap today.
Please don't hate me. You see, I'm sick. It about the only time I CAN nap. I honestly did not think that I'd be able to fall asleep. Usually, even when I am sick, I still can't sleep. I usually lay down and read, or tweet. But today I left rehab early, sat down in a recliner, put my feet up, and I was a goner. And then I woke up at about 5 pm, confused.
I'm trying to think of something witty to say here. The only thing I can think of is this:
Pandora, never again play Michael Buble on my Jacks Mannequin station. Never.
Please don't hate me. You see, I'm sick. It about the only time I CAN nap. I honestly did not think that I'd be able to fall asleep. Usually, even when I am sick, I still can't sleep. I usually lay down and read, or tweet. But today I left rehab early, sat down in a recliner, put my feet up, and I was a goner. And then I woke up at about 5 pm, confused.
I'm trying to think of something witty to say here. The only thing I can think of is this:
Pandora, never again play Michael Buble on my Jacks Mannequin station. Never.
17.10.10
Thoughts on blogging
I've made it! Well, a week at least. Blogging everyday. I can do this. Thank you for your support.
Today my mom made a comment. Maybe she wasn't thinking. Maybe she really thinks this way. Either way, it hurt. Here's the conversation.
Me (checking blog stats): Wow, I'm popular!
Mom: Why are you popular?
Me: 44 people have viewed my blog today.
Mom: *sigh* 44 people with nothing else better to do.
It stings. I know my mom thinks blogging is a waste of time. But to say that what I'm writing is so useless that I'm wasting other peoples time? Or that the only people who would read my blog are people with 'nothing el better to do'?
I've stopped trying to convince my mom that Twitter is useful. She thinks it's a waste of time, and probably always will think that way. It looks like she also thinks it's a waste of time to blog. And to read blogs.
It hurts. She's never read a blog post. I don't know what she thinks I'm blogging about, but it's not dumb. It's my thoughts. My experiences. And if she thinks writing them down so other people can read them is a waste, what about journal keeping?
This is a way for me to express myself. In a way, it has become my journal.
And I'm not going to stop.
Edit: it's come to my mind that it may appear that I'm just putting my mom down. Or I don't love her. Neither are true. We just disagree on some points.
Today my mom made a comment. Maybe she wasn't thinking. Maybe she really thinks this way. Either way, it hurt. Here's the conversation.
Me (checking blog stats): Wow, I'm popular!
Mom: Why are you popular?
Me: 44 people have viewed my blog today.
Mom: *sigh* 44 people with nothing else better to do.
It stings. I know my mom thinks blogging is a waste of time. But to say that what I'm writing is so useless that I'm wasting other peoples time? Or that the only people who would read my blog are people with 'nothing el better to do'?
I've stopped trying to convince my mom that Twitter is useful. She thinks it's a waste of time, and probably always will think that way. It looks like she also thinks it's a waste of time to blog. And to read blogs.
It hurts. She's never read a blog post. I don't know what she thinks I'm blogging about, but it's not dumb. It's my thoughts. My experiences. And if she thinks writing them down so other people can read them is a waste, what about journal keeping?
This is a way for me to express myself. In a way, it has become my journal.
And I'm not going to stop.
Edit: it's come to my mind that it may appear that I'm just putting my mom down. Or I don't love her. Neither are true. We just disagree on some points.
16.10.10
You know it's a bad day when...
...when you start wondering if your Prozac is working.
...when you start thinking you're useless. And lazy.
...when you start thinking that you serve no purpose.
...when you start wondering why you're still alive.
...when you realize the only reason you are alive is because lots of people would be mad at you.
...when you start thinking that maybe they'd be happy with you gone.
...when you realize you could do it tonight.
I thought about it. I do almost everyday, to be honest. Usually not really seriously, but I wonder what would have happened if I had gone through with it in June. (that's a story for another day)
Don't worry, if I got that serious about it I have many friends to turn to, to convince me otherwise. To remind me that I am awesome.
And life is worth it.
...when you start thinking you're useless. And lazy.
...when you start thinking that you serve no purpose.
...when you start wondering why you're still alive.
...when you realize the only reason you are alive is because lots of people would be mad at you.
...when you start thinking that maybe they'd be happy with you gone.
...when you realize you could do it tonight.
I thought about it. I do almost everyday, to be honest. Usually not really seriously, but I wonder what would have happened if I had gone through with it in June. (that's a story for another day)
Don't worry, if I got that serious about it I have many friends to turn to, to convince me otherwise. To remind me that I am awesome.
And life is worth it.
Sigh
I was going to blog about my fun afternoon. I visited Jenndola, ran the battery down in my moms car and got it jump started, and went out with a friend.
But after I left my friends apartment, my mood immediately went downhill.
It's times like this that I wonder if my body thinks it's normal state is depressed. If it suddenly realizes "Hey! You've been happy for the past few days, I need to remind you how awful you REALLY are".
And then I think about all the little things that make me an awful person. At first I fight it, but then I realize it's after midnight and I'm tired and giving myself a headache isn't the best idea. So I just tell myself - "Self, please stop. I'm going to bed, and when I wake up, I better be in a good mood".
And now it's time to take my sleeping pill. Goodnight.
But after I left my friends apartment, my mood immediately went downhill.
It's times like this that I wonder if my body thinks it's normal state is depressed. If it suddenly realizes "Hey! You've been happy for the past few days, I need to remind you how awful you REALLY are".
And then I think about all the little things that make me an awful person. At first I fight it, but then I realize it's after midnight and I'm tired and giving myself a headache isn't the best idea. So I just tell myself - "Self, please stop. I'm going to bed, and when I wake up, I better be in a good mood".
And now it's time to take my sleeping pill. Goodnight.
14.10.10
Maybe I have writers block
I have no idea what to blog about! And I've only been going since Sunday! Man, you experienced bloggeres make it look so easy. Of course, not all of you blog every day...
So, I'm going to share something with you. That I love.
Affirmation
Savage Garden
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe that your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
Untill you say goodbye
Oh no no no no no no no no no no no wooow woow wooow
It's a bit old. If you don't know it, go look it up and listen.
And yes, I believe it all.
So, I'm going to share something with you. That I love.
Affirmation
Savage Garden
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe that your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
Untill you say goodbye
Oh no no no no no no no no no no no wooow woow wooow
It's a bit old. If you don't know it, go look it up and listen.
And yes, I believe it all.
13.10.10
Electronics + water = dead electronics
So, sorry. I can't post about my haircut. You see, my iPad has become my laptop. But blogger likes flash. And apple doesn't like flash. So while I'm on my iPad I can't upload pictures to blogger. And what's a post on a haircut without pictures?
So instead I'll tell you of my two loves, and how I keep forgetting how much they don't mix. These loves are, of course, electronics and water.
I've always loved water, ever since I was tiny. I never wanted to leave the swimming pool. I loved baths (actually, both of those are still true). So, my first love was water. But then I got older and discovered electronics. And they were amazing. I bought my first iPod in high school. On my own, with only the help of a $30 birthday check. And that's when I discovered the horror: electronics don't like water.
I was lucky with my first iPod. It was a first generation shuffle (remember those?). So I really couldn't use it in the tub or anything. My second iPod wasn't so lucky. I dropped it in the toilet. It still worked, but it always thought it was charging, so it was always on. My third iPod I was more careful with. It still works! My fourth was an iPod touch, my baby. I took great care of it, at first. But then I got careless. And it ended up in the tub. It still turns on and is ok, but it won't do wifi anymore. Sad day!
Oh, and somewhere in there I got a MacBook and after a few years I spilled a cup of water on it and now it's dead too.
So, now I have an iPad. I've had it a little over two months. I've been so careful with it. But I know one day, I'll want it with me by the tub. So I started looking for a way to waterproof it, temporarily, so I could play with it around water.
I asked Twitter and @jaycarr recommended a ziplock bag. He said the touch screen still worked through the bag. So I tried it. And it worked!
(There is a picture. Here. http://twitpic.com/2xfjjv)
Now I just need to remember my bag...
So instead I'll tell you of my two loves, and how I keep forgetting how much they don't mix. These loves are, of course, electronics and water.
I've always loved water, ever since I was tiny. I never wanted to leave the swimming pool. I loved baths (actually, both of those are still true). So, my first love was water. But then I got older and discovered electronics. And they were amazing. I bought my first iPod in high school. On my own, with only the help of a $30 birthday check. And that's when I discovered the horror: electronics don't like water.
I was lucky with my first iPod. It was a first generation shuffle (remember those?). So I really couldn't use it in the tub or anything. My second iPod wasn't so lucky. I dropped it in the toilet. It still worked, but it always thought it was charging, so it was always on. My third iPod I was more careful with. It still works! My fourth was an iPod touch, my baby. I took great care of it, at first. But then I got careless. And it ended up in the tub. It still turns on and is ok, but it won't do wifi anymore. Sad day!
Oh, and somewhere in there I got a MacBook and after a few years I spilled a cup of water on it and now it's dead too.
So, now I have an iPad. I've had it a little over two months. I've been so careful with it. But I know one day, I'll want it with me by the tub. So I started looking for a way to waterproof it, temporarily, so I could play with it around water.
I asked Twitter and @jaycarr recommended a ziplock bag. He said the touch screen still worked through the bag. So I tried it. And it worked!
(There is a picture. Here. http://twitpic.com/2xfjjv)
Now I just need to remember my bag...
12.10.10
I got my hair cut but you don't get to hear about it until tomorrow
Everyone's watching the miners get rescued, and I'm stuck thinking about what to write about. I did get my haircut, but all my photos are on my phone and to get them onto my aid I have to email them to myself, one by one. I'll do that tomorrow.
So today, I'm going to do something that a friend of mine(http://bit.ly/bk9bu2) does. It's called Ten on Tuesdays (http://bit.ly/c75Clk). You answer ten questions about yourself. This week it's on working out.
1. What does your work out schedule look like?
Rehab Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday I'm supposed to exercise for 20 minutes at home. Rest on Sunday.
2. What is your favorite machine to use at the gym?
The bike. It turns my legs to jelly, but I love working my legs!
3. What is your favorite class to take at the gym?
I guess I could say I've been blessed with my own personal trainer, so I haven't taken any classes. Ha!
4. Where do you shop for work out gear and clothing?
I don’t. I work out In jeans. :)
5. If you can’t go to the gym, do you have a favorite outdoor activity?
Chasing nieces and nephews around. Quite the exercise, actually.
6. What about a favorite work out DVD?
Does the Wii Fit count?
7. Are you more active now or when you were in high school?
Now. Hey, I have my own personal trainer!
8. How has your dieting/working out philosophy changed since high school?
I didn't have one in high school, and I was fine. I couldn't ever run, but I figured that was just because I never ran. Of course, now I know the REAL reason. Now my philosophy is Be Healthy. I'm at a healthy weight, so I'm not worried about dieting. I need to get my heart in shape, so I'm exercising. Or trying to.
9. What do you do while working out– (i.e., day dream, read, listen to music, gab with a friend)?
Twitter and listen to music.
10. What working out resolution would you like to make for yourself this year?
To make working out a habit. Even if it's not 6 days a week, I want to be able to run, one day.
See you tomorrow!
So today, I'm going to do something that a friend of mine(http://bit.ly/bk9bu2) does. It's called Ten on Tuesdays (http://bit.ly/c75Clk). You answer ten questions about yourself. This week it's on working out.
1. What does your work out schedule look like?
Rehab Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday I'm supposed to exercise for 20 minutes at home. Rest on Sunday.
2. What is your favorite machine to use at the gym?
The bike. It turns my legs to jelly, but I love working my legs!
3. What is your favorite class to take at the gym?
I guess I could say I've been blessed with my own personal trainer, so I haven't taken any classes. Ha!
4. Where do you shop for work out gear and clothing?
I don’t. I work out In jeans. :)
5. If you can’t go to the gym, do you have a favorite outdoor activity?
Chasing nieces and nephews around. Quite the exercise, actually.
6. What about a favorite work out DVD?
Does the Wii Fit count?
7. Are you more active now or when you were in high school?
Now. Hey, I have my own personal trainer!
8. How has your dieting/working out philosophy changed since high school?
I didn't have one in high school, and I was fine. I couldn't ever run, but I figured that was just because I never ran. Of course, now I know the REAL reason. Now my philosophy is Be Healthy. I'm at a healthy weight, so I'm not worried about dieting. I need to get my heart in shape, so I'm exercising. Or trying to.
9. What do you do while working out– (i.e., day dream, read, listen to music, gab with a friend)?
Twitter and listen to music.
10. What working out resolution would you like to make for yourself this year?
To make working out a habit. Even if it's not 6 days a week, I want to be able to run, one day.
See you tomorrow!
11.10.10
Rehab
So I've tweeted a bit from rehab, but I haven't eve fully explained it. Until now!
After my surgery they told my mom that insurance usually covers Cardiovascular Rehabilitation. I didn't even hear about it until my mom started asking me if I wanted to make an appointment. I said sure, why not?
And then, about 3 weeks after surgery, I went on vacation. That ended up being a Bad Idea (and a blog post for another day). But, it also meant I couldn't go to Rehab until I got back. Which I did. Eventually. I forget the exact day, blah blah blah.
Anyway, I had an initial evaluation. I went in, she attached these wires to my chest. Took blood pressure and oxygen level. Had me go as fast as I could on a treadmill for six minutes. And then she said to come back whenever I wanted, as many times a week as I wanted. I chooses three times a week, early(ish) in the morning.
So I've been going. At first she only had me going on a treadmill and bike. Each one about 12-16 minutes. Last Friday she started me on weights.
It's been pretty interesting going, especially since everyone ekes there is so much older than I. By a lot. And at the time I go, we watch The Price is Right. Well, others do. I listen to Pandora. :)
The days in between Rehab I'm supposed to do 20 minutes of exercise. And I'm trying to do that.
So that's rehab. Sorry, I don't see Linsey Lohan there.
After my surgery they told my mom that insurance usually covers Cardiovascular Rehabilitation. I didn't even hear about it until my mom started asking me if I wanted to make an appointment. I said sure, why not?
And then, about 3 weeks after surgery, I went on vacation. That ended up being a Bad Idea (and a blog post for another day). But, it also meant I couldn't go to Rehab until I got back. Which I did. Eventually. I forget the exact day, blah blah blah.
Anyway, I had an initial evaluation. I went in, she attached these wires to my chest. Took blood pressure and oxygen level. Had me go as fast as I could on a treadmill for six minutes. And then she said to come back whenever I wanted, as many times a week as I wanted. I chooses three times a week, early(ish) in the morning.
So I've been going. At first she only had me going on a treadmill and bike. Each one about 12-16 minutes. Last Friday she started me on weights.
It's been pretty interesting going, especially since everyone ekes there is so much older than I. By a lot. And at the time I go, we watch The Price is Right. Well, others do. I listen to Pandora. :)
The days in between Rehab I'm supposed to do 20 minutes of exercise. And I'm trying to do that.
So that's rehab. Sorry, I don't see Linsey Lohan there.
10.10.10
Today
I've decided it's time that I start blogging again.
No really, I mean it.
This time.
Today I decided something. I'm going to have faith again. 100% faith. You see, the Lord has promised me something. And right now it looks impossible. In fact, it's looked impossible from day 1.
I had faith in the beginning. Lots of faith. But fear crept in: "what if I'm wrong? What if God didn't mean that?"
My fear ate my faith. At first it was just a little hear and a little there. But finally I realized I didn't believe God would fulfill His promise. I realized that I was about to lose my religion.
And I thought about it a lot. "would it be better just to stop believing God cares? Or should I try to have faith again?"
I was thinking that for weeks. Back and forth, back and forth. Until today. We had a lesson in Relief Society about faith. At first it was just a painful reminder of what I didn't have. But slowly throughout the day, I've realized that I've made my choice.
"Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6, emphasis mine)
So I will trust. 100%. No matter how impossible it seems.
No really, I mean it.
This time.
Today I decided something. I'm going to have faith again. 100% faith. You see, the Lord has promised me something. And right now it looks impossible. In fact, it's looked impossible from day 1.
I had faith in the beginning. Lots of faith. But fear crept in: "what if I'm wrong? What if God didn't mean that?"
My fear ate my faith. At first it was just a little hear and a little there. But finally I realized I didn't believe God would fulfill His promise. I realized that I was about to lose my religion.
And I thought about it a lot. "would it be better just to stop believing God cares? Or should I try to have faith again?"
I was thinking that for weeks. Back and forth, back and forth. Until today. We had a lesson in Relief Society about faith. At first it was just a painful reminder of what I didn't have. But slowly throughout the day, I've realized that I've made my choice.
"Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6, emphasis mine)
So I will trust. 100%. No matter how impossible it seems.
9.10.10
One year ago
I posted on Twitter last night that today is my one year anniversary. I did not expound. I'm going to do so now.
This is not a happy anniversary. Some say I shouldn't acknowledge it at all. But I fear that would be lying to myself. What happened on this day one year ago has affected my whole year.
I've made it sound quite dramatic but in reality not much happened. It was a friday. I went to classes, I assume. I don't remember much. But that night, I watched a movie with some friends. Then my roommate and I took a friend home. A guy friend. Who my friend Octanewt had written on his mission. And she really liked him. When we dropped him off, they hugged. Something so small, ended up meaning nothing. But it triggered a response in me. It went something like "Oh great. Now they'll get married. I knew it. And no one ever likes me. I'm worthless."
I had had down days before then, and had figured I might have depression. But somehow this simple act was the final straw.
I went to bed, hoping to feel better in the morning. I didn't. In fact, it kept getting worse. Until I finally was suicidal. And I made an appointment with a councilor. And wee started working on helping me feel better.
It's still not all better. True, now I'm on medication. And I have tons of friends who know and understand who are here for me. But it's still a struggle, every single day.
This is not a happy anniversary. Some say I shouldn't acknowledge it at all. But I fear that would be lying to myself. What happened on this day one year ago has affected my whole year.
I've made it sound quite dramatic but in reality not much happened. It was a friday. I went to classes, I assume. I don't remember much. But that night, I watched a movie with some friends. Then my roommate and I took a friend home. A guy friend. Who my friend Octanewt had written on his mission. And she really liked him. When we dropped him off, they hugged. Something so small, ended up meaning nothing. But it triggered a response in me. It went something like "Oh great. Now they'll get married. I knew it. And no one ever likes me. I'm worthless."
I had had down days before then, and had figured I might have depression. But somehow this simple act was the final straw.
I went to bed, hoping to feel better in the morning. I didn't. In fact, it kept getting worse. Until I finally was suicidal. And I made an appointment with a councilor. And wee started working on helping me feel better.
It's still not all better. True, now I'm on medication. And I have tons of friends who know and understand who are here for me. But it's still a struggle, every single day.
27.8.10
The Big Finale (surgery pt. 3)
Sorry, it's been a while. I don't really have an excuse, except the fact that I did go through heart surgery exactly 2 weeks ago.
So, there I was. Morning of Friday the 13th. I had decided to look at it as lucky, rather than being superstitious about it.
I wasn't scheduled to go in until 12:45 so I was taking it easy. I wasn't supposed to eat, and my parents were fasting for me, so breakfast nor lunch was an option. I jumped into the shower and was trying to decide if I should actually do my hair or not, (I had even asked Twitter!) when my phone rang.
It was the hospital, asking if I could come in early. Since we were all bored, we agreed. We jumped into the car (I ended up not doing my hair) and drove to the hospital. A five minute drive.
I don't remember everything that happened before the surgery, only bits and pieces. I got checked in, and then we went upstairs. I changed into a nifty hospital gown (complete with hat) and waited a lot. They put in one IV and tried to put in another one but had problems. Eventually someone else came in and put the second one in.
Eventually they wheeled me into the surgery room. They said it was going to be freezing, but it felt fine to me. :) and then everything went black. Actually, it didn't I just remember waking up in a different room, with my hands tied, and something down my throat. Oh, and the minute I woke up, I threw up. How's that for fun?
They had told me that I probably wouldn't remember anything from Friday night or Saturday night. I guess I can't say they lied because they said "probably" but I still feel gypped.
Anyway, saturday morning the nurses brought me breakfast. A real breakfast. No clear liquid diet for me. Ugh. It made me sick, and I threw up again.
I didn't want to eat after that. My stomach felt awful, and I didn't want to throw up again. Of course all the nurses and staff were trying to get me to eat SOMETHING. They didn't succeed. Finally on Monday or tuesday the doctors came in and said "oh, reduced appetite is just fine." Gosh, NOW you tell me.
So, I went home on the Wednesday and I've been home ever since. Building up my strength, trying to remember to do my breathing exercises. If you wanna come visit, just give me a call, send me a text, @reply me, whatever. Just contact me before you show up at my house. Because, I might not be there.
So, there I was. Morning of Friday the 13th. I had decided to look at it as lucky, rather than being superstitious about it.
I wasn't scheduled to go in until 12:45 so I was taking it easy. I wasn't supposed to eat, and my parents were fasting for me, so breakfast nor lunch was an option. I jumped into the shower and was trying to decide if I should actually do my hair or not, (I had even asked Twitter!) when my phone rang.
It was the hospital, asking if I could come in early. Since we were all bored, we agreed. We jumped into the car (I ended up not doing my hair) and drove to the hospital. A five minute drive.
I don't remember everything that happened before the surgery, only bits and pieces. I got checked in, and then we went upstairs. I changed into a nifty hospital gown (complete with hat) and waited a lot. They put in one IV and tried to put in another one but had problems. Eventually someone else came in and put the second one in.
Eventually they wheeled me into the surgery room. They said it was going to be freezing, but it felt fine to me. :) and then everything went black. Actually, it didn't I just remember waking up in a different room, with my hands tied, and something down my throat. Oh, and the minute I woke up, I threw up. How's that for fun?
They had told me that I probably wouldn't remember anything from Friday night or Saturday night. I guess I can't say they lied because they said "probably" but I still feel gypped.
Anyway, saturday morning the nurses brought me breakfast. A real breakfast. No clear liquid diet for me. Ugh. It made me sick, and I threw up again.
I didn't want to eat after that. My stomach felt awful, and I didn't want to throw up again. Of course all the nurses and staff were trying to get me to eat SOMETHING. They didn't succeed. Finally on Monday or tuesday the doctors came in and said "oh, reduced appetite is just fine." Gosh, NOW you tell me.
So, I went home on the Wednesday and I've been home ever since. Building up my strength, trying to remember to do my breathing exercises. If you wanna come visit, just give me a call, send me a text, @reply me, whatever. Just contact me before you show up at my house. Because, I might not be there.
20.8.10
Going to the dentist (surgery pt 2)
Ok, I guess you guys are impatient for part two. And Holly did eat her broccoli. So, let's resume.
(Part 1 here: http://sarahssparkysnits.blogspot.com/2010/08/how-it-all-started-surgery-pt-1.html)
So there I was, sitting in the ER. They declare it to be more severe then we thought. More severe than anyone thought. They decided to admit me.
Now, as I had never been in the hospital (and I admit it, I was high on morphine), so I thought this was going to be a grand adventure. So, we went upstairs (my mom was with me for basically this while thing. And my sister, who was also at the conference, came and visited.), we went upstairs and got into a room! Excitement! Let's see what the doctors have to say about all of this! (that day I also had 3 EKGs and an MRI) Well, they didn't come, and they didn't come and finally the night crew standing in for the surgeons came and said "sorry, we don't know much. They'll see you tomorrow! Oh, and don't eat or drink anything after midnight, they'll probably want to do a trans-esophageal-echocardiogram. (I had one of them back in '09. You should totally look up my post about it because I'm not going to right now. So there. :P )
So, we went to bed. My mom went back to the conference, so I could have a real adventure! (note: being awoken at 3:00 am to have your blood pressure taken is NOT an adventure)
That night passed. In the morning the surgeons came. They said "we need to operate sooner rather than later."
We asked, "What does that mean? November?"
"No," they said. "Next week. How about Friday?"
After we recovered from that shock, we said sure. And the preparations began.
The plan was this: release me on the Friday. I go home. Go to the dentist Monday. Pre-op Wednesday or Thursday. Surgery Friday.
Simple enough, right?
No.
That Saturday morning, (I guess it was the 7th) I was packing, because I was in SLC for a conference, rememberer? Anyway, I got done packing, and felt a bit tired, so I laid down. And the pain came back. Not quite as bad, it was about a 9.5 versus a full 10, but it was bad enough.
So, back to the ER!
Run another EKG, decided there'd was no more damage, admitted me anyway.
I stayed there until Monday afternoon. I don't remember much of the stay and I don't feel like trying to remember. So there!
So, Monday we went straight to byu. I had group therapy to say goodbye to, and I had to ask about what I do about not going to school fall semester.
After that, I went to the dentist.
Now, side story. I don't like the dentist. I mean, the man's fine enough, been going to him my whole life, but I've never been the best at brushing my teeth. So, I'd go through fazes, but I never really flossed. When I went to the dentist Monday the 9th, I hadn't been for over 5 years. Now my heart surgeon said that if there was any infection in my mouth at all, they'd need to postpone surgery, which no one wanted.
So there I was, going to the dentist for the first time in 5 years, convinced I had 5 cavities, and while cavities wouldn't postpone the surgery, getting them filled wouldn't be fun. But, miracle of miracles: nothing! No cavities, no problems. They even took x-rays and they showed nothing. I was so relieved. Yay!
Monday night we just chilled with the family. Same with most of Tuesday, but Tuesday night we went back to SLC to be close to the ER in case there was any more chest pain. They said if I stayed down in Orem and went to the ER I'd be life-flighted up to SLC (yay, adventure!) but mom was against that.
So Wednesday we went to Temple Square and Thursday I had my pre-op and lunch with my aunt and cousin. And friday was the big day. Which will be part three.
(Part 1 here: http://sarahssparkysnits.blogspot.com/2010/08/how-it-all-started-surgery-pt-1.html)
So there I was, sitting in the ER. They declare it to be more severe then we thought. More severe than anyone thought. They decided to admit me.
Now, as I had never been in the hospital (and I admit it, I was high on morphine), so I thought this was going to be a grand adventure. So, we went upstairs (my mom was with me for basically this while thing. And my sister, who was also at the conference, came and visited.), we went upstairs and got into a room! Excitement! Let's see what the doctors have to say about all of this! (that day I also had 3 EKGs and an MRI) Well, they didn't come, and they didn't come and finally the night crew standing in for the surgeons came and said "sorry, we don't know much. They'll see you tomorrow! Oh, and don't eat or drink anything after midnight, they'll probably want to do a trans-esophageal-echocardiogram. (I had one of them back in '09. You should totally look up my post about it because I'm not going to right now. So there. :P )
So, we went to bed. My mom went back to the conference, so I could have a real adventure! (note: being awoken at 3:00 am to have your blood pressure taken is NOT an adventure)
That night passed. In the morning the surgeons came. They said "we need to operate sooner rather than later."
We asked, "What does that mean? November?"
"No," they said. "Next week. How about Friday?"
After we recovered from that shock, we said sure. And the preparations began.
The plan was this: release me on the Friday. I go home. Go to the dentist Monday. Pre-op Wednesday or Thursday. Surgery Friday.
Simple enough, right?
No.
That Saturday morning, (I guess it was the 7th) I was packing, because I was in SLC for a conference, rememberer? Anyway, I got done packing, and felt a bit tired, so I laid down. And the pain came back. Not quite as bad, it was about a 9.5 versus a full 10, but it was bad enough.
So, back to the ER!
Run another EKG, decided there'd was no more damage, admitted me anyway.
I stayed there until Monday afternoon. I don't remember much of the stay and I don't feel like trying to remember. So there!
So, Monday we went straight to byu. I had group therapy to say goodbye to, and I had to ask about what I do about not going to school fall semester.
After that, I went to the dentist.
Now, side story. I don't like the dentist. I mean, the man's fine enough, been going to him my whole life, but I've never been the best at brushing my teeth. So, I'd go through fazes, but I never really flossed. When I went to the dentist Monday the 9th, I hadn't been for over 5 years. Now my heart surgeon said that if there was any infection in my mouth at all, they'd need to postpone surgery, which no one wanted.
So there I was, going to the dentist for the first time in 5 years, convinced I had 5 cavities, and while cavities wouldn't postpone the surgery, getting them filled wouldn't be fun. But, miracle of miracles: nothing! No cavities, no problems. They even took x-rays and they showed nothing. I was so relieved. Yay!
Monday night we just chilled with the family. Same with most of Tuesday, but Tuesday night we went back to SLC to be close to the ER in case there was any more chest pain. They said if I stayed down in Orem and went to the ER I'd be life-flighted up to SLC (yay, adventure!) but mom was against that.
So Wednesday we went to Temple Square and Thursday I had my pre-op and lunch with my aunt and cousin. And friday was the big day. Which will be part three.
19.8.10
How it all started (surgery pt 1)
So, I guess Some people out there want to hear about how this whole heart surgery started. Silly people. You think you have rights to hear my story? Well, I guess I did start this blog to tell my story, and this is a pretty big thing, ok, you guys win. But I'll tell it my way.
MY way!
*evil laugh*
Ok, so I'm not sure how far back to go. Last may (2009) I found out about my athero-stenosis. I blogged about it back then. I'm not going to look it up right now. Because I don't feel like it, that's why. Should I send you back to bed? Let's continue then.
So that was diagnosed. I knew I had a problem, but the Doctor said it wasn't that bad, and I felt mostly ok, so I was fine, right? Sure.
Fast forward to June. Yep, three months ago. I had an MRI. Checked up on it. "The valve's a little smaller, but nothing to worry about" he said. "Surgery is still years away."
"But I'm tired all the time," I said. "nomatteer how much or how little sleep I get, I'm always tired!"
"Excersize more," he said. And I tried.
But it was hard. And so I still was tired. And figured everything was my fault. Because hey, I was the one not excersizing, right?
Well, fast forward to the first week of August. I went to a womans conference. It was wonderful. All about improving yourself inside and out. It was up on the University of Utahs campus (I know, they're evil; but I finilly figured out WHY they're evil).
The conference started on Monday. On Thursday morning I had intense chest pain. And I mean INTENSE!! Everything hurt, I didn't want to move, didn't want to breathe, ugh. We went to the U of U ER (5 minutes away). They gave me morphine, ran an intense Echo-Cardiogram, and declared my stenosis to be 'severe' rather than 'mild to moderate'.
Ok kids, that's enough for tonight. It's time to go to bed. I'll tell you more tomorrow, ok? But you have to eat your vegetables. Yes, that includes you, Holly.
Next up: my first stay in the hospital and how dentists are related to heart sergeons.
MY way!
*evil laugh*
Ok, so I'm not sure how far back to go. Last may (2009) I found out about my athero-stenosis. I blogged about it back then. I'm not going to look it up right now. Because I don't feel like it, that's why. Should I send you back to bed? Let's continue then.
So that was diagnosed. I knew I had a problem, but the Doctor said it wasn't that bad, and I felt mostly ok, so I was fine, right? Sure.
Fast forward to June. Yep, three months ago. I had an MRI. Checked up on it. "The valve's a little smaller, but nothing to worry about" he said. "Surgery is still years away."
"But I'm tired all the time," I said. "nomatteer how much or how little sleep I get, I'm always tired!"
"Excersize more," he said. And I tried.
But it was hard. And so I still was tired. And figured everything was my fault. Because hey, I was the one not excersizing, right?
Well, fast forward to the first week of August. I went to a womans conference. It was wonderful. All about improving yourself inside and out. It was up on the University of Utahs campus (I know, they're evil; but I finilly figured out WHY they're evil).
The conference started on Monday. On Thursday morning I had intense chest pain. And I mean INTENSE!! Everything hurt, I didn't want to move, didn't want to breathe, ugh. We went to the U of U ER (5 minutes away). They gave me morphine, ran an intense Echo-Cardiogram, and declared my stenosis to be 'severe' rather than 'mild to moderate'.
Ok kids, that's enough for tonight. It's time to go to bed. I'll tell you more tomorrow, ok? But you have to eat your vegetables. Yes, that includes you, Holly.
Next up: my first stay in the hospital and how dentists are related to heart sergeons.
20.7.10
Update
So, my last few posts haven't really said anything about my mood. So, to those who are wondering: I'm actually doing pretty good! I'm pretty surprised. I went in and talked to a therapist last week (not my normal one, he was out of town) and she said some things that have actually brought me peace.
Right now I have two main problems:
One: I feel numb to my emotions. I can't tell when I'm happy, sad, mad, frustrated, etc. So right now I'm just assuming that I'm happy, but I need to somehow reconnect with my emotions. I just have no idea how to do this.
Two: I'm tired. All. The. Time. I used to be, but this is worse. I've gotten insomnia (yes, something else to deal with) so I'm taking a sleeping pill. Which helps me sleep, but then I still wake up exhausted. Then I have to deal with the rest of the day. And when I go to bed I'm so tired, but I just can't sleep without a pill. Not Good.
Other than those two things, I'm dealing with life well. I'm trying to help out at home, but with no energy it's hard. I don't feel like getting a job. But I'm not just laying in bed all day. I'm trying.
Right now I have two main problems:
One: I feel numb to my emotions. I can't tell when I'm happy, sad, mad, frustrated, etc. So right now I'm just assuming that I'm happy, but I need to somehow reconnect with my emotions. I just have no idea how to do this.
Two: I'm tired. All. The. Time. I used to be, but this is worse. I've gotten insomnia (yes, something else to deal with) so I'm taking a sleeping pill. Which helps me sleep, but then I still wake up exhausted. Then I have to deal with the rest of the day. And when I go to bed I'm so tired, but I just can't sleep without a pill. Not Good.
Other than those two things, I'm dealing with life well. I'm trying to help out at home, but with no energy it's hard. I don't feel like getting a job. But I'm not just laying in bed all day. I'm trying.
19.7.10
16.7.10
why I shouldn't go hiking
So you all know about my heart condition, right? RIGHT? (if not, look here)
So I was hiking up to Timpanogos Cave when I found this warning:
Whoops.
12.7.10
i'm alive
i'm still alive. i know, i'm shocked, too.
my sisters went home. the house is empty. mostly.
last week was hard. but amazingly, thursday i woke up happy. friday, saturday, most of sunday were good too. i thought 'hey, my medication finally kicked in!'
alas, it is not to be.
i crashed back down. hard. after actually thinking life is worth living, coming back to this, i'm really wondering what the point is. if i can fall that far, why try? if anything can set this off, what's the point of life? i'm a mess, my life's a mess.
honestly, i think the would would be better off without me.
my sisters went home. the house is empty. mostly.
last week was hard. but amazingly, thursday i woke up happy. friday, saturday, most of sunday were good too. i thought 'hey, my medication finally kicked in!'
alas, it is not to be.
i crashed back down. hard. after actually thinking life is worth living, coming back to this, i'm really wondering what the point is. if i can fall that far, why try? if anything can set this off, what's the point of life? i'm a mess, my life's a mess.
honestly, i think the would would be better off without me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)