the new year is making me work

As I read my blogs in Google Reader, I find that many people do this "Year in Review" thing, where they go though the year, linking to past blog posts. I've spent the last 5 minutes trying to decide if it's worth it or not. I guess I don't have much else to do (until my mom kicks me off my computer for wasting too much time I suppose). January January was a slow month for bloging. Only two posts? One about an argument with a roommate (which probably shouldn't have ended up on my blog. whoops). The other one? An online quiz saying I'm most like Elizabeth Bennet. Hmmm. February I guess February was a little better. I found out that life was hard. Looking back, I guess that was the start of a bad year, in some respects. Hmm, I also gave up The Board for lent. Let me say this now: I'm not doing that again this year. March Ohh, I remember! I got flowers anonomosly. Made me very happy. I also started getting excited about accounting. Too bad the accounting program at BYU doesn't like me. April Ohh, I remember this video. hee hee hee. This is still on my wish list. And looking back, this list is actually sort of acurate. iTunes knows my future? May My first Friday Fill-in. Such memories. Photos! With my first digital camera. I also posted this, which might actually be my current theme song. (yes, I am a stalker. deal with it) Also: thoughts on coworkers. Other occurences not mentioned in this blog: I meet more people (in real life) from the Board. June I ponder being an alto (which actually comes true later in the year), my brother, new music, and the purpose of this blog. My computer scares the heck out of me. I also regret some things and am tired of being akward. I spent lots of money on make-up, which I think was worth it. I rant about work. July I reach 50 posts (and no one enters my give-away). I bragged about how cute my neice is. I rant more about work. I decide on a mission (it's still in the plans, so far). I love my micro sd card. I found a big spider in my fish tank. I started caring about DRM, and started loving Amazonmp3. I took more pictures. I find an earwig on my toothbrush, and declare war on bugs. I finally discover my problem: the universe hates me. I ponder about boys. August I got sick. I learn more about life. I bought books. I went up Provo canyon with my family. I put windows on my mac. I went to a midnight book release. I got an awesome scar. (hey, it's still there!) I reviewed a book. I ponder about life some more. I had a really long day. I worked for 14 hours. I told a bit about myself (although some of that is out of date now. horribly out of date.). September I started school again. I was in a fire alam in the library, and enjoyed ice cream, all in the same day. I try to balance the good with the bad. I talk about my ride to and from school. (I think I was a little harsh on him, but now I get a ride from someone else. I'll talk about it soon enough) I complain about love. I wait for packages. I love my stats lab. October I question my major. (which gave me a good idea I'm following) I do my Welsh homework. I love music. Good sounding music. Life still is hard. My Grandfather died. I want cool gadgets. I'm excited for family. I get contacts and go to a funeral. Music, once again, defines my life oddly well. I laugh at random videos. I decide to join NaNoWriMo. I fear for my life. I play games. I ponder life some more. I watch a pot of water boil. November I went to my first hockey game. I start NaBloPoMo. I reach 100 posts (don't worry, I know I need to make cookies. It'll happen one day). I finally post about halloween. I talk about worst dates. I bought an electric toothbrush. I had a birthday. I get jealous. I learn more about kitty litter. I go on an adventure. I cry. I get sick. I survive. I'm thankful. I want to give up. My nephew died. I keep going. I win. December I talk about my nephew. I go to Houston. I got another digital camera. I go to another funeral. I fail at being BYU. (although I messed up. whoops.) I'm overwhelmed. I survive. I procrastinate. I admit I'm addicted to the internet. My mom gets snowed-in in Las Vegas. I think some more. I decide on insanity. I compare my blog to a journal. I need to get another job. I say stuff that makes no sense. Wow. That took longer than I thought it would. But, it's reminded me of a lot. So, it's a good thing. I have just a couple of things I want to work on this year, and I guess right here is as good a place to put them as any. 1- Move on. There are some things that I have to just get over. Which will take time. But will hopefully move me in the right direction 2- Write more. Either here, or in my real journal, hopefully both. 3- Do better at my calling. I've already started doing this. 4- Go to the temple more. There may be more ideas moving around in my head, but if I try too many, I won't get them done. So, here's a start. Happy New Year everyone! Here's to a better 2009!

cryptic

Thoughts, carry on. Looks, glances exchanged. Is it nothing? Or was there something? I wonder, though the night. Thoughts of sleep vanish. Thinking, wondering, wishing. Oh, the wishes! But knowing, it will never be. Feelings, raw now. Wondering, how is it supposed to be? Like this? Unprobable. Change must take place. Somewhere, somehow. Thoughts, carry on.

hmmm

I almost want to be cryptic, just because I have something to be cryptic about. I spent all morning on the computer. On the Internet. Basically what I did at school. Except my mom was there to see. And she definitely disapproves. So, this afternoon I went down to BYU and looked at job listings. Because I have to get another job. Sadness. So, I found 2. I need your ideas - which one should I apply for? But then again, my mom wants me to get an early morning custodial job. I think she's crazy. It might be just too early for me. I didn't eat lunch. And it's looking like I might not have dinner, either. I guess I'm hungry, but nothing sounds good. Not that we have anything in the house to eat anyway. And I have no money to buy food to eat. I think I have a problem....

random thoughts

I was going to post this last night. Then my internet wasn’t working. So I decided to type it anyway. Because I haven’t posted in a couple of days (though it seems longer). I really might be addicted to the internet, because I seem to be getting on every day, even Christmas. Whoops. I’m not even sure what I was going to blog about. My head hurts. And I don’t really eat anymore. Maybe I have what bob has? Or had? Because I know I probably should have had dinner, but my stomach didn’t like the idea. Still, I stood in front of the fridge, and pantry for about 5 minutes, looking. But, everything sounded wrong. Either too much sugar, or too much time. I sort of wanted pizza, but that’s gone now. And I have a big headache. Maybe that’s related. I really can’t believe I’m going to bed at 9 pm. Something must be wrong with me. True, the internet is down, but I could easily reset the router if I wanted to. But, I’m tired of spending so much time online. I really need a break. I have done much thinking this week. I think it’s good for me. I’ve come to a few conclusions. Not as many as I need to, but I think it’s a start. A step in the right direction I think. I hope. If I can’t figure out my life, I’m going crazy (not that I’m not already...). On a really random note, I dreamt of vampires the other night. I wasn’t one though, sorry Sam. I wish I could remember more of it. But, there were definitely vampires. Which was awesome. Other random note: I have $32 in my bank account. That’s right, I finally paid tuition. And am trying to figure out how I can afford books. Pray?

stealing isn't always bad

So yes, I stole this from someone. But, I do that all the time with my blog anyway... 1. Have you had any relationships this year? not really. 2. Have you had your birthday yet? yep. but my party isn't until next year. sometime. 3. Cried yet? yeah. 4. Been on a diet? nope 5. Pulled an all nighter? not this year, that I remember. but maybe?

6. Drank Starbucks? sort of. it was from starbucks. 7. Went Camping? nope. sad. 8. Bought something(s)? oh yeah!! 9. Met someone special? probably not. unfortunatly. 10. Been out of state? went to Houston twice. 12. What are you thinking about? trying to get out of work New Years Eve. and my strange dream that involved vampires. ___________________________________________ 1.) Hugged someone? yep. 2.) Slept in someone else's bed? Um, sort of? my nephews, if that counts. 3.) Got a job? only one right now. but next week the search begins for another one. 4.) Loaned out money? not really. 5.) Gotten in a car accident? nope. 6.) Gone over your mobile phone bill? once. 7.) Been called a slut? nope. 8.) Done something you regret? maybe, but I'm trying not to regret what I've done. what's done is done, I can't change it. LAST :

_________________________________________________________ Last Person you hugged? um. my mom or dad. Last Person to call you? maybe my brother-in-law? I couldn't find him in wal-mart. yeah, no one ever calls me. :( When was the last time you felt stupid? last night. Who did you last yell at? I don't usually yell at people. What did you do today? woke up. showered. TEN FACTS : ___________________________________________________________ 01. Name? Yellow M&M 02. Natural hair color? brown 03. Initials? YM 04. Hair style? short. 5. Eye color? brown 06. Height: 5'1" 07. Pets: not currently. they all died. :^(

08. Mood? meh. 09. Where would you rather be? in bed. or with friends. 10. What was the last thing you drank? ice cream. TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE: 01. Have you ever been in love: maybe. I'm not sure. 02. Do you believe in love? yes i do. 03. Why did your LAST relationship fail? um, I don't think I have been in a relationship. 04. Have you ever been heartbroken: yes 05. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? not that I can think of 06. Have you ever fallen for your best friend? um, define best friend. 07. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? duh. 08. Are you afraid of commitment? I don't think so. 10. Have you had more than 5 different serious relationships in your life? no. I haven't even had one. 3 EMOTIONS ___________________________________________________________ 01. Are you missing someone right now? yeah, i am. 02. Are you happy? not currently. hopefully soon. 03. Are you eating anything? not right now.

friday. happy boxing day!

1. I must see the world before I die. 2. You can't stop me. 3. I wish I never had to buy toiletries again -meh! 4. College has helped me change my life (for the good or bad, you decide) 5. I know the song Silent Night by heart. 6. If I weren't so afraid, I would be more outgoing. 7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going back to work, tomorrow my plans include nothing in particular and Sunday, I want to do nothing particularly exciting.

my blog as a journal

I was looking at my stats for my blog yesterday, and was a little amazed that I've posted more than 150 times here. In passing, I mentioned this fact to my mom, who just turned around and said "How many times have you written in your journal?" This bothered me for a bit. But then I really started thinking about it. I have written in my journal, there's no doubt about it. But, in a way, this blog has become my journal. Now, I don't write down my deepest thoughts here (for which you should be gratful), but I have written enough. I've written all sorts of random things here, from random thoughts to random events. So, it has become a bit of a journal for me. I still have a regular, pen and paper journal that I write in now and then. I've never been the most dedicated journal writter, but I'm working on it. And maybe, just maybe, my blog is helping me a little. At least it's a little record of a section of my life.

giveaway

No, I'm not doing another give away (actually, I still owe someone cookies. whoops) But, someone else is. And I want to win.

Meme

1. What is a nickname a former (or present) lover gave you? I haven't had any lovers... 2. How do you style your hair? If you just would say “cut” what style is it? Usually, when I'm feeling lazy, I just do a pony tail. If I feel classy I let it down. I don't know what cut or style it is... 3. What’s your least favorite Christmas song? Least favorite? That "Santa Baby" song. Ick. 4. How many colors are you wearing now? Three. Brown, pink and blue jeans. 5. Are you an introvert or extrovert? Mostly introvert. Except when it comes to some people. Maybe. 6. What was the last book you read? For fun? I don't even remember. 7. What’s one piece of fiction that changed your life? There have been a lot. I love Matilda. Twilight I guess I could say changed my life, at least how I view books that other people make fun of that I like... 8. If you are attracted to someone who is already in a relationship (or married), what might do you do? Cry a lot. 9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy recently? Certain revelations from a certain person. 10. What’s your favorite dessert? Chocolate. 11. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? About half an hour. Maybe less if I don't feel like putting on make-up or doing anything with my hair. I can shower in less than 5 minutes. 12. Name one website that you visit daily. Why do you read it? One? I guess Google Reader. I love blogs! 13. What was your last job before either you are at home or at another job?? I don't really get this question...last joy before what? 14. Do you like to clean? Once I've started, yes. It's just getting started that's hard. 15. What was the last song to get stuck in your head? I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab for Cutie 16. What’s the last movie you saw? Um, I don't have time for movies. 17. Pirates or Ninjas? Ninjas! 18. What is your least favorite thing to do that you have to do everyday? Say goodbye. 19. Best time of your life? Freshman year of College. Hopefully next year will have more good times. 20. What are you most looking forward to in the coming year? Going to Wales/Going on a Mission. I have big plans for this year.

thoughts

I'm crazy. I must be. There are too many things that point in that direction. Too many decisions that make no sense. I don't get it. Not really. Maybe one day my life will make sense. Until then, I will just enjoy my insanity!

my christmas tree

quotes and thoughts

"Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose" "Though success is a lousy teacher, failure is unacceptable" My dad gave me these quotes a couple of days ago. I really like the message, mainly because I see it in my own life, at least in regard to something I have a big problem with: procrastination. Yet I do it. I put off things for days, up until the last possible minute. Then, when I actually pull it off and get a pretty good result, I have success. Which gives me more reasons to procrastinate later. Because hey, I can get away with it. So why not do it? I need to find a way to get rid of this thought. Yet, as the second quote suggests, I can't give in to failure. It's just not an option. I don't want to purposely fail, just to teach myself a lesson. Does not cumpute. So, a goal. To be realistic, I'm not going to claim to be able to stop procrastinating cold turkey or anything. That's an impossible goal for me. Instead, I will say this: I will try harder to start projects sooner. That's it. I know, some of you say "do, or do not. there is no try" (yes, I've been quoted this several times). To you, I reply "if I had that attitude, it would be do not." Because I'm not perfect. And will never be. I just have to try.

*sigh*

"I love you like a plate"

something funny

I'm really trying to come up with something. Really. Maybe it's the finals, sicking all of my creativity? Maybe it's the 5 hours of sleep I've been getting? I think I'll blame the snow. It's everywhere. All over the U.S. at least. Houston, New Orleans, Las Vegas. They've all had snow. My mom is stuck in Las Vegas because of the snow. No one can get in or out of the city: all roads are closed, and even the airport is closed. Where is it coming from?

the internet

I went up to campus today to study and take a final. I decided to settle down in the Terrace, a large room in the Student Center where students can go to eat, hang out, and possibly study. I knew it wouldn't be as quite as the Library, but that suited me just fine. After all, part of being a student is being a part of the social side of life, right? As soon as I sat down, I did what I always do: pulled out my laptop and checked the usual sites: Google Reader, Gmail, Twitter, etc. I opened up my instant messenger service and started talking with Sam. In short, I did everything EXCEPT study. I knew I had to study, it's just there are so many interesting things on the Internet. Sam was sending me links, which I'd click on, and we'd discuss. Or I'd send him a link. Or I'd pull up a blog and start reading the archives. With so much information out there, who has time to study for Statistics anyway? Eventually, I twittered "running from my finals", sort of as a joke. Well, Sam also follows me on twitter, and he said "close the computer and study". I knew he was right, yet I faltered. How could I close my link to the outside world? How could I close my chat window, my twitterfeed, my google reader? Yet, I knew he was right. It would have to wait. It would still be there at the end of the day. I was strong, I shut my computer and went to work. Do you ever feel the same way? You have things to do, but the internet calls? Or am I the only one who feels the tug, the magnetic pull?

my extra reading day (and thoughts on Christmas)

I am feeling better! I might still need a tissue box nearby, and a glass of orange juice on the table, but I'm up! And dressed! I've declared this to be my extra reading day, since I sort of lost one, last week. And, I don't have any scheduled finals, so I can just sleep in, and lounge around, thinking about doing homework. But, even though I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night, I am full of energy! I want to do things! So, I did my laundry, did the dishes, took out the trash, and am now contemplating what other things I could do. Unfortunatly, I'm not coming up with much, since I do not have a car. But, cleaning my room may make the list. Along with figuring out what I'm going to get everyone for Christmas. Yes, that's right. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet. Whoops. I'll get it done - eventually. Hopefully before Saturday. Because Christmas is NEXT WEEK!! Wow, I can't even believe it. Both of my parents have been out of town, so our house doesn't even look Christmasy at all. The only way I'm getting any Christmas Spirit is being on campus, or playing Christmas Music. Since we've had a definete lack of snow, it really hasn't even felt like December - just an elongated November. But, what do mine eyes see? Looking out the window, I can see snow! Real, live (sort of), snow! Falling from a white sky. And, my mother is coming home! For the first time in months! My mom, along with Tiggr and the Cute One are in the car, driving from Houston. (yes, they are crazy) They should be here Thursday, plenty of time before Christmas, right? But the main thing is, we'll all be together for Christmas. What is Christmas without family?

it's friday again!

1. Friends keep me from going over the edge. 2. Bad health; it's what's cool right now! 3. I'm ready for bed. 4. Fresh cut grass and rain are two of my favorite perfumes or smells. 5. The oldest ornament I have is none, I don't think I own any ornaments... 6. Take some books, internet, friends and good music, mix it all together and you have a happy me. 7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a Welsh party, tomorrow my plans include sleeping late and not caring about it and Sunday, I want to be feeling well enough to go to church.

multi-langual

So, Nanti-Sarrmm and I were having a nice little chat today. See, I was trying to study for my Welsh final, but I kept getting distracted (as I am wont to do). So, instead, I decided to start talking to Nanti in Welsh, and he started speaking to me in Spanish. At first, I didn't bother trying to translate what he was saying, but after a while I did. And this is what our conversation looked like: (translation of Spanish done by google. translation of Welsh done by me and my dictionary. grammer's probably not correct. All translation is at the bottom) Nanti-Sarrmm: Pero ya tienes un trabajo, no? Yellow M&M: Ydw. Mae raid i fi cael arall. Nanti-Sarrmm: Y que pasa si no puedes trabajar las horas que quieres? Yellow M&M: dw i'n gweddi Nanti-Sarrmm: No mueras! Yellow M&M: Nag ydw. dw i'n ddim marw. \Nanti-Sarrmm: Eso esta bueno. Sera chido si sierves una mision a Gales. Yellow M&M: dw i'n mynd Nanti-Sarrmm: por que estoy loco, loco! Yellow M&M: dw i'n ddim anghytun Nanti-Sarrmm: Tu tambien eres loca? Yellow M&M: cau digon Nanti-Sarrmm: Parangaricutirimicuaro! Yellow M&M: dw i'n mynd gwallgo Nanti-Sarrmm: es una trabalengua. Yellow M&M: ydw Nanti-Sarrmm: ya lo supaste? Yellow M&M: dw i ddim mynd methu Nanti-Sarrmm: hmmn... bien, pero tengo suspiciones de que sabia que era una trabalengua. Te gusta puerco? Yellow M&M: ydw. rhywbeth Nanti-Sarrmm: Salado? Yellow M&M: nag ydw Nanti-Sarrmm: que dices?! Yellow M&M: dw i'n siarad Nanti-Sarrmm: Estas cansada? Yellow M&M: ydw Yellow M&M: a chi? Nanti-Sarrmm: No tanto. Que Pachuka por toluka? Yellow M&M: wn i ddim Nanti-Sarrmm: Que transitas por tus veinas? Yellow M&M: you want me to translate? Nanti-Sarrmm: sure Yellow M&M: from the beginning? Nanti-Sarrmm: Yeah Yellow M&M: um, let's see, you said but now you have a job, no? me: yes, but i need another one. you: And what if you can not work the hours you want? me: I will pray. you: No daughters-in-law! me: No, I won't fail. You: That is good. Sera chido if worshipers a mission to Wales. me: I will go. me again: food! after that, you said: that I was crazy, crazy! and I said: I won't disagree you said: You're too crazy? and I said: close enough. you said: Parangaricutirimicuaro! and i said: I'm going crazy. you said: is a twister. and I said: yes. you said: supaste it? and I said: I'm not going to fail. you said: hmmn... well, but my suspicion that knew it was a twister. You like pork? I said: yes. sometimes. you said: Salt? and I said: no. you said: you say?! and I said: I'm talking. you said: These tired? and i said: yes, and you? and you said: Not so much. Pachuka by toluka that? I said: I don't know. See? great fun! We talked about all sorts of things. It's sort of amazing that it makes sense, considering Nanti had little idea what I was saying.

it's alive!

So, I'm not dead. yet. I survived my final. My concert, classes, and lab all went well. I'm hanging in there. Except I'm most definitely sick. My body cries for sleep, and I cannot give it to it, no matter how much I want to. Except, I am sleeping in tomorrow. Hee hee hee. In trying to look on the bright side, I have decided that I will just try my best, and if I have to, I will retake a class. I'm only human, and this semester has been so crazy that it's acceptable. (of course I hear people retake classes all the time for other random reasons, so I won't feel guilty if I have to) In other random thoughts: What should I major in? Try again with Accounting? Go for Computer Science? Cop out and do Family Life: Home and Family Living Emphasis? Something random I haven't thought of yet? What do you think?

I might die this week.

I have an unexpected final in less than an hour, a choir performance tomorrow, another final on thursday, all while being sick. And being apathetic. And needing to study. And needing to clean the house. And needing to go shopping. And needing to do laundry. And needing to sleep. And needing to eat. And....

perspective

I know this is three in one day, but I couldn't help myself...

because I'm bored and procrastinating

How BYU are you? 77 questions. [ ] You have been kissed at lease once [_] Your first kiss was on campus [ ] You've had a boyfriend/girlfriend [X] You lived in the dorms your freshman year [_] You went to Homecoming or Preference [X] You hiked the Y [X] You've taken a social dance class [X] You regularly attended FHE for at least a semester [_] You've participated in Choose to Give [_] You've been to Liberty Square for a party at least once [_] You've driven around south of campus for at least 20 minutes trying to find a parking spot [X] You know the cougar fight song [X] You've crossed the crosswalk without using the flags or biked through a red light [ ] You've been to Friday Night Live [_] You've performed or witnessed an act that made it onto Police Beat [_] You've been on a "date" to the bell tower or duck pond [_] You've been to the Bean Museum for FHE [X] You've been to Divine Comedy [X] You've been to International Cinema [_] You are engaged [_] You are married [_] ...in the temple [_] You were previously engaged/married [_] You have kids or are expecting kids [X] Your birth parents are still married [X] ...in the temple [X] You have at least three siblings [_] You've taken a marriage prep or relations class [X] You've taken at least one religion class that is not based on the scriptures [_] You have slept on a couch in a restroom [X] You have been to the BYU Creamery [X] You have been in one of the BYU choirs [X] You've been on a date to Fat Cats [X] You have read Twilight [X] ...book 2 [X] ...book 3 [X] ...book 4 [X] ...seen the movie [X] ...more than once [X] You've waited in line at the Bookstore for the Harry Potter or Twilight book premiere [X] You have seen The Singles Ward or Sons of Provo [_] You have walked out of a movie you found morally reprehensible [X] You know where the "chastity line" is [X] You can finish the phrase "Nothing good happens after ______" [X] You read the Daily Universe at least 3x a week [X] ...and it's the only newspaper you read [_] You've personally known someone who was reported to the Honor Code Office [_] You've participated in or watched a Mr. BYU contest [_] You've received personal revelation that he/she is "the one" (or been told this) [_] ...and told him/her about your revelation (or been told this) [_] ...and then they rejected you (or rejected them) [X] You've been to the Nickelcade [X] You've been to Classic Skating [ ] You've ignored your parents' phone calls for at least 3 days [_] ...and then they called the University Police [_] You've been pulled over by the University Police [ ] You watch The Office religiously [X] You mostly wear jeans and t-shirts or plain fitted shirts [ ] You own at least 3 things from American Eagle or Hollister [ ] Your sacrament meeting is a fashion show/scam session (but I live at home and go to a family ward) [_] You've been on a date to the Provo River You've kissed in a... [ ] ...campus parking lot [ ] ...Provo Canyon or Squaw Peak [ ] ...on temple grounds [ ] ...on a couch as soon as your roommates left the room [ ] You think UVU is not a real university [_] You hate U of U with a passion FOR GIRLS (don't answer if you're a guy) [X] You own knee-length shorts [X] You regularly wear camisoles/undershirts for modesty reasons [_] You are a MFHD, RMYL, Elementary Education, or Exercise Science Major [_] Your major crush ended up dating a MFHD, RMYL, Elementary Education, or Exercise Science major [_] You have had at least one roommate who is in hair or dental school [_] You own The Italian Job or The Princess Bride [X] You wear makeup at least 3x a week [_] You do something with your hair (other than brush it/ponytail) at least 3x a week [X] You went or plan on going on a mission [_] ...because you couldn't get married FOR GUYS (don't answer if you're a girl) [_] You shave every (or almost every) morning [_] You know when your hair is "too long" [_] You know what the "divide by 2 and add 7" dating rule is [_] ...and you follow it [_] You've dated freshmen girls as a RM [_] ...when you already knew better [_] You've used the phrase "On my mission..." to a girl [_] At least 3 girls have baked cookies or meals for you [_] You went or plan on going on a mission [_] ...because you wanted to get married TOTAL: 34 A: 68-77 B: 60-67 C: 53-66 D: 45-52 F: 44 or below. wow, worse than bismark!

the funeral

Funerals. They’re always hard, no matter for whom. But going to a funeral for a child, it changes your outlook. I don’t know why my family has gone through this. I don’t know why Ethan had to go through what he did, just to die. I can’t pretend to understand. It’s too hard to imagine what my sister is going through. Even though he was my nephew, I don’t feel like I was as close to him as maybe I could have been. But to have been his mother and watch this happening, I don’t know if I would have been able to do it. He was so young, yet his life had an impact on many. His funeral was packed, and many people came to his viewing. It was incredible, the love showed by everyone. My sisters ward has done so much for her and her family, it is amazing. Death is hard. But, like I said before, I didn’t cry at my grandfathers death. Or at one of my grandmothers. Why some affect me more than others, I can’t begin to understand. But I do know that even though I know I will see them again, it is still hard. It is still a trial. I am glad that I was able to go down to Houston to the funeral. All of my sisters siblings were able to make it, and most of the in-laws also. (I think some of my sisters husbands family was able to fly out as well, but I don’t know them really). Here are some pictures I took there. Hopefully it’s not too many! (I guess I should clarify on who is who: Elizabeth is Charlotte, Nate, and Ethans mother. Mary is Lizzies mother, Mary and Elizabeth are my sisters)

tie dye piano in Austin Airport. The only remotely interesting thing in the whole place

Clouds!

Charlotte! What is she looking at?

Lizzie!

Lizzie and Charlotte are friends!

Silly Nate!

Piggy Back Ride

Both in gray

Aren't I cute?

The casket

Nate with his red balloon. The story about the red balloons: my nephew (Ethan), his favorite color was red. So, everyone got a red balloon and an index card, where we wrote a little note about Ethan, or to Ethan. Then, we released them all. It was very nice.

Releasing the balloons

Flying high

Lizzie wants her balloon back!

Elizabeth (Ethan's mom) and Charlotte, exhausted at the end of the day

Fly - Celine Dion

Fly, fly little wing Fly beyond imagining The softest cloud, the whitest dove Upon the wind of heaven's love Past the planets and the stars Leave this lonely world of ours Escape the sorrow and the pain And fly again Fly, fly precious one Your endless journey has begun Take your gentle happiness Far too beautiful for this Cross over to the other shore There is peace forevermore But hold this mem'ry bittersweet Until we meet Fly, fly do not fear Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear Your heart is pure, your soul is free Be on your way, don't wait for me

Above the universe you'll climb On beyond the hands of time The moon will rise, the sun will set But I won't forget Fly, fly little wing Fly where only angels sing Fly away, the time is right Go now, find the light

compliments

Compliments always feel good. No matter who gives them. But when you get one from someone who has more on their mind then what their little sister looks like, it feels good. Really good.

it's friday

So, since I want to keep up the whole blog post a day thing, and I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing today, this is me speaking from the past! How exciting! On Wednesday I went to Best Buy to pick up my camera. Let me back track a little and explain the situation (caution: this is longer than I originally thought. you don't really have to read it): So, May, with my stimulus check, I went to Best Buy and bought a camera. I loved it. I took it to my family vacation, on outings, to work, everywhere. It was my first digital camera, and it was amazing to me. I had used my parents cameras many times (often times at family get-togethers, they'd just hand me their cameras and not worry about taking pictures). But, this was mine. I could take pictures of grass and no one would care. Well, then came August. I'm not sure really what happened. It just sort of stopped working right. First it was the lens, then when I thought I had that working, the battery started acting weird. In order to get the camera to work, you had to press down on the bottom, right where the battery was. My camera sat in my drawer for months. I didn't know about the warranty, and I was afraid of going to Best Buy and seeing what was up (yes, I'm a wuss like that). Eventually, I got sick of knowing it was sitting there. So, on the 22nd of November I grabbed my courage (and my camera) and went to Best Buy. I was afraid since I couldn't find the receipt, but it turns out I had bought it on BestBuy.com (they were doing some deal involving a free 1 gb sd card), so I looked in my email and there was the receipt! So, I printed that out and went off to Best Buy. I went to customer service, and they were really nice. Said that they didn't sell that camera anymore (apparently the camera world moves really fast. I did not know that), but I could trade it in for either the Canon SD 1100, or the SD 790. I said I had to think about it, and went home (well, to a friends to watch the BYU game). I spent the next couple of days looking into the camera. For a time I really wanted the 790, but it would have cost me about $70 out of pocket, since it was an upgrade. I really don't have that much money (I just spent $500 on a plane ticket). I looked into the 1100, and many people really liked it. So, last Tuesday (the one right before Thanksgiving), I went back to Best Buy. I took all my cords, battery recharger, the works. I went to the service desk, and the girl there said that I had it wrong, they couldn't exchange it. I was really disappointed, and told her about what they had told me the previous Saturday. Eventually she looked deeper into it, and since I bought it on the website, they could exchange it. Yay! So, this camera comes in color. I was actually excited about this. It seems like right now everyone has a silver or blue camera. So, I was going to be different, and get the brown one. But, they didn't have any in the store. But, they did say they could order it for me, and it would be there by the 2nd. Except they had to send it to the store, not my house. I was a little disappointed about not having it for Thanksgiving, but it worked out fine. Then I heard about the funeral, and was really glad I had my camera on it's way. Except that it really wasn't. Yesterday was too busy for me to go to Best Buy, so I went this morning before class. And my camera wasn't there. I told them that I needed it. But, apparently the brown ones don't like to be shipped. So, I got the silver one instead. And, I'm really liking it. A bonus: apparently the 1100 was on sale, so I got $31 back. Yay! So, here are some sample pictures that I've taken so far:

the meal I helped make today in my foods lab!

Christmas lights on campus!

green sam!

math is delicious!

friday?

1. Snow is something I love. I just don't particularly enjoy being cold. 2. I'm looking forward to something, I'm sure. Closure? 3. Family is the best thing ever! 4. One of my favorite old tv shows is Columbo. 5. I'm done with being afraid to cry. 6. The most enjoyable thing around the holidays is being around my family. 7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to not much, but I am going to a viewing, tomorrow my plans include crying at a funeral and Sunday, I want to make it home!

flying

I love flying. There's just something about looking down at clouds that fills my heart with glee. True, it might get a little uncomfortable after an hour or two, but I'm small enough that I can find several good positions to get comfortable in. My biggest dislike is the fact that there is little or no free Internet on airplanes/in airports. I have to admit it: I'm addicted to the Internet. I feel a bit of loss every time I disconnect, or have to turn off my computer. On the Internet, I'm connected to so many people through things like gchat, facebook, and twitter (twitter most especially). I love that feeling, being able to talk to people (of course most of them have to be online, too, except with twitter). Anyway, right now I'm on a plane. Yes, it's magic! I'm somewhere between Salt Lake City and Dallas. Have a good day!

obituary

MASTER WILLIAM ETHAN BROWN, 6, passed away peacefully at home on November 28, 2008, after a two-year battle with cancer. Ethan was born May 3, 2002, to William E. and Elizabeth J. Brown. Ethan possessed a joy for life that always lifted those whom he came in contact with. He loved animals, arts and crafts, monster trucks, and playing games with family and friends. He is survived by his parents; brother, Nate; sister, Charlotte; and numerous extended family. The family will receive friends from 5 to 8 p.m. Friday, December 5, at Klein Funeral Home, CyFair. Funeral services will be held at 11 a.m. Saturday, December 6, at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 12310 New Hampton Dr., Tomball 77377. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made in Ethan's name www.hepatoblastomafoundation.org for childhood cancer research.

Melissa Etheridge - Breathe

I played the fool today I just dream of vanishing into the crowd Longing for home again Home, is a feeling I buried in you I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe And I can't ask for things to be still again No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes Longing for home again Home, is a feeling I buried in you I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe My window through which nothing hides And everything sees I'm counting the signs and cursing the miles in between Home Home, is a feeling I buried in you, that I buried in you I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe, when I breathe Yeah, it only hurts when I breathe, when I breathe Oh,it only hurts when I breathe

statistics

If there's one class I'm going to miss when the semester is over, it will be statistics. Not because I love the subject, but because the Professor is amazing. Now, he isn't necessarily an amazing Professor. But, he's so interesting to listen to. Plus it's with a friend, and we keep each other awake and sort of paying attention. Sort of. Like now, when I'm blogging in class, and my friend is actually paying attention to the quiz. But my Professor does tell hilarious stories. Like the one he just told us about how his daughter want a puppy for Christmas, but he's getting her an iPod instead. The reason: when he was 9 a German Shepherd attached him. whoops. Or right now a girl just sneezed really loudly, and he thought she was shrieking for joy over the subject (chi square). When he found out it was a sneeze, he told her she really should go to the doctor. He is a good teacher. I do learn in his class. Even though there are close to 600 of us in the classroom (JSB auditorium for those who know BYU), he tries to make sure everyone's questions are answered, and will ask us if we get it when he sees a lot of blank stares. So, if you ever need to take Statistics 221 at BYU, take it from Shane Reese!

Ethan and Adriana

I read a lot of blogs. And yet every single one of them is different. I'm subscribed to about 83 right now. Not bad. And I have several more on my 'do I really want to subscribe to you' list. I found out today my sister is flying to Houston tomorrow. Houston is where my family is, and where my heart is right now. I wish I was flying with her. Stupid school. I hate it when school gets in the way of life. At least I'm going down on Thursday. I was given an assignment by Bill, the father of Ethan who recently passed. He has asked all of us (family members I assume) to email him a memory we have with Ethan. Just something short. I'd like to share mine with you now: In November 2005, Elizabeth, Bill, Ethan and Nate flew up here from Houston for Thanksgiving. That year there was snow, and we made a snowman together. Here are some pictures I was able to find:

Ethan and I together

Making the Snowman

The finished product!

I think the next few weeks/months I will share some pictures that I have of him. He was a great kid, and I miss him. I never would have imagined myself outliving a niece and a nephew. Yes, I have also outlived a niece. She was born in 2003, and lived a total of 9 months. Adriana was born with multiple health issues, and I never got to see her alive (in person). Here is a picture of her: One day I will see these kids again. One day I will understand the why.