6.12.10
Sigh
So tumblr is down. If you didn't know I moved to tumblr sorry, I did. But it's been down. And I have something I want to post. So I'll post it here. Genius!
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of a lot of things.
I'm afraid of being wrong.
I'm afraid of disappointment.
I'm afraid of loss.
But mainly, I'm afraid of being happy. Yes, you read that right. I'm afraid of being happy. You might ask "why?"
Well, I'm afraid if I'm happy it means that I'm ok with how my life is. I'm afraid I'll be ok with my situation right now. I'm afraid that if I'm happy, I'll start to wonder why I was unhappy for so long.
My therapist brought this up this week. He told me I should move on from the pain I'm feeling right now and work on being happy. He also explained why I'm afraid to move from this spot in life.
See, even though I'm going through some hard things right now, I've been going through it so long that I'm used to it. Does that make sense? Basically I'm saying that I've been in this situation for so long that ironically I am ok with it. It hurts, but I know how much it hurts. It's a comfortable hurt.
So I'm afraid to stop hurting. I'm afraid that the minute I'm happy, something else will come into my life, something harder. Something that will cause me more pain, more hurt. I'm afraid of change, that the minute I move on from this pain, God will throw something harder into my life.
So why bother being happy, or trying to be happy, when it won't last? Whenever I'm tempted to be optimistic, I'm reminded of something that President Hinckley quoted on several occasions.
"Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”
To me, this says "Expect life to suck most of the time. Only occasionally will you be truly happy. But be grateful anyway." Basically: be a grateful pessimist. I know that's not really what President Hinckley was trying to say when he quoted this.
But whenever I think about being happy I'm reminded of this quote and think to myself: "is it really worth it?"
19.10.10
Where I feel like a jerk...
...and cry over it.
I will tell you a story. And then you can tell me if I'm a jerk or not.
It all started during #ldsconf. Yes, a hashtag. Twice a year on Twitter you have the opportunity to find new lds peeps who are on Twitter. We tweet conference using the hash tag #ldsconf. Well, during this past conference I had obtained some more followers, simply because I was lds. On Twitter I have this rule where I don't usually follow someone back unless they talk to me first.
One of my new followers did so. A few times, in fact. So, after a few weeks, I started following him back. Then we started talking more, just on Twitter. His name is Jason. I'm debating putting his Twitter name out there. But considering it.
So last week we were talking so much on Twitter, I asked if he used a instant messenger service. He said msn. So we exchanged email addresses and started chatting.
Now I'd like to state here that he lives on the east coast, a long way from me. I didn't have any romantic thoughts (ok, maybe a few. But they weren't realistic and I knew it). I wanted to be friends. We talked a bit online, and then we exchanged phone numbers so we could text. I was having fun talking to him, and I thought he enjoyed it, too.
It all ended Saturday night. We were talking. He was watching a football game. His favorite team. They lost. He snapped. Started swearing and stuff on Twitter. Saying all his friends were liars. Saying he'd never date lds gitls because they were too boring. I tried texting him, telling him I was there for him, as a friend. He never responded, but on Twitter he did tell everyone to stop bugging him and f-off (using the real word).
So I just laid down and cried. I was worried about him, but he didn't care about me at all. It hurt. I hoped Sunday morning he'd wake up and apologize.
Well, he did wake up, and apparently he was a bit sorry for swearing, but he never apologized to me. And when I did try talking to him on Twitter he just responded with 'I'll never date an lds girl'. Then he apologized to all the lds people who were following him, who got his swearing. But not me, because hey, I'm only an lds girl. So I told him "you're either an idiot or a jerk". He responded "yep, I'm a jerk".
Made me start to feel guilty. Was he really a jerk? Or was I not giving him a chance to explain himself?
This afternoon he tweeted: "hello #lds"
Well, I'm lds, so I responded "hi"
His response: "@cspokey ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
I said: "am I that scary?"
He said: "@cspokey shutup looks don't mean anything to me"
Um, ok? What is that supposed to mean? We are friends on Facebook, so he's seen a picture of me. Maybe he's trying to say I might be good looking but I'm a jerk? I don't get this guy.
And now he further confuses me. Not only is he still following, but he responded to me. What is up with that?
So, am I the jerk, or is he?
I will tell you a story. And then you can tell me if I'm a jerk or not.
It all started during #ldsconf. Yes, a hashtag. Twice a year on Twitter you have the opportunity to find new lds peeps who are on Twitter. We tweet conference using the hash tag #ldsconf. Well, during this past conference I had obtained some more followers, simply because I was lds. On Twitter I have this rule where I don't usually follow someone back unless they talk to me first.
One of my new followers did so. A few times, in fact. So, after a few weeks, I started following him back. Then we started talking more, just on Twitter. His name is Jason. I'm debating putting his Twitter name out there. But considering it.
So last week we were talking so much on Twitter, I asked if he used a instant messenger service. He said msn. So we exchanged email addresses and started chatting.
Now I'd like to state here that he lives on the east coast, a long way from me. I didn't have any romantic thoughts (ok, maybe a few. But they weren't realistic and I knew it). I wanted to be friends. We talked a bit online, and then we exchanged phone numbers so we could text. I was having fun talking to him, and I thought he enjoyed it, too.
It all ended Saturday night. We were talking. He was watching a football game. His favorite team. They lost. He snapped. Started swearing and stuff on Twitter. Saying all his friends were liars. Saying he'd never date lds gitls because they were too boring. I tried texting him, telling him I was there for him, as a friend. He never responded, but on Twitter he did tell everyone to stop bugging him and f-off (using the real word).
So I just laid down and cried. I was worried about him, but he didn't care about me at all. It hurt. I hoped Sunday morning he'd wake up and apologize.
Well, he did wake up, and apparently he was a bit sorry for swearing, but he never apologized to me. And when I did try talking to him on Twitter he just responded with 'I'll never date an lds girl'. Then he apologized to all the lds people who were following him, who got his swearing. But not me, because hey, I'm only an lds girl. So I told him "you're either an idiot or a jerk". He responded "yep, I'm a jerk".
Made me start to feel guilty. Was he really a jerk? Or was I not giving him a chance to explain himself?
This afternoon he tweeted: "hello #lds"
Well, I'm lds, so I responded "hi"
His response: "@cspokey ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
I said: "am I that scary?"
He said: "@cspokey shutup looks don't mean anything to me"
Um, ok? What is that supposed to mean? We are friends on Facebook, so he's seen a picture of me. Maybe he's trying to say I might be good looking but I'm a jerk? I don't get this guy.
And now he further confuses me. Not only is he still following, but he responded to me. What is up with that?
So, am I the jerk, or is he?
18.10.10
A 6 hour nap
I took a 6 hour nap today.
Please don't hate me. You see, I'm sick. It about the only time I CAN nap. I honestly did not think that I'd be able to fall asleep. Usually, even when I am sick, I still can't sleep. I usually lay down and read, or tweet. But today I left rehab early, sat down in a recliner, put my feet up, and I was a goner. And then I woke up at about 5 pm, confused.
I'm trying to think of something witty to say here. The only thing I can think of is this:
Pandora, never again play Michael Buble on my Jacks Mannequin station. Never.
Please don't hate me. You see, I'm sick. It about the only time I CAN nap. I honestly did not think that I'd be able to fall asleep. Usually, even when I am sick, I still can't sleep. I usually lay down and read, or tweet. But today I left rehab early, sat down in a recliner, put my feet up, and I was a goner. And then I woke up at about 5 pm, confused.
I'm trying to think of something witty to say here. The only thing I can think of is this:
Pandora, never again play Michael Buble on my Jacks Mannequin station. Never.
17.10.10
Thoughts on blogging
I've made it! Well, a week at least. Blogging everyday. I can do this. Thank you for your support.
Today my mom made a comment. Maybe she wasn't thinking. Maybe she really thinks this way. Either way, it hurt. Here's the conversation.
Me (checking blog stats): Wow, I'm popular!
Mom: Why are you popular?
Me: 44 people have viewed my blog today.
Mom: *sigh* 44 people with nothing else better to do.
It stings. I know my mom thinks blogging is a waste of time. But to say that what I'm writing is so useless that I'm wasting other peoples time? Or that the only people who would read my blog are people with 'nothing el better to do'?
I've stopped trying to convince my mom that Twitter is useful. She thinks it's a waste of time, and probably always will think that way. It looks like she also thinks it's a waste of time to blog. And to read blogs.
It hurts. She's never read a blog post. I don't know what she thinks I'm blogging about, but it's not dumb. It's my thoughts. My experiences. And if she thinks writing them down so other people can read them is a waste, what about journal keeping?
This is a way for me to express myself. In a way, it has become my journal.
And I'm not going to stop.
Edit: it's come to my mind that it may appear that I'm just putting my mom down. Or I don't love her. Neither are true. We just disagree on some points.
Today my mom made a comment. Maybe she wasn't thinking. Maybe she really thinks this way. Either way, it hurt. Here's the conversation.
Me (checking blog stats): Wow, I'm popular!
Mom: Why are you popular?
Me: 44 people have viewed my blog today.
Mom: *sigh* 44 people with nothing else better to do.
It stings. I know my mom thinks blogging is a waste of time. But to say that what I'm writing is so useless that I'm wasting other peoples time? Or that the only people who would read my blog are people with 'nothing el better to do'?
I've stopped trying to convince my mom that Twitter is useful. She thinks it's a waste of time, and probably always will think that way. It looks like she also thinks it's a waste of time to blog. And to read blogs.
It hurts. She's never read a blog post. I don't know what she thinks I'm blogging about, but it's not dumb. It's my thoughts. My experiences. And if she thinks writing them down so other people can read them is a waste, what about journal keeping?
This is a way for me to express myself. In a way, it has become my journal.
And I'm not going to stop.
Edit: it's come to my mind that it may appear that I'm just putting my mom down. Or I don't love her. Neither are true. We just disagree on some points.
16.10.10
You know it's a bad day when...
...when you start wondering if your Prozac is working.
...when you start thinking you're useless. And lazy.
...when you start thinking that you serve no purpose.
...when you start wondering why you're still alive.
...when you realize the only reason you are alive is because lots of people would be mad at you.
...when you start thinking that maybe they'd be happy with you gone.
...when you realize you could do it tonight.
I thought about it. I do almost everyday, to be honest. Usually not really seriously, but I wonder what would have happened if I had gone through with it in June. (that's a story for another day)
Don't worry, if I got that serious about it I have many friends to turn to, to convince me otherwise. To remind me that I am awesome.
And life is worth it.
...when you start thinking you're useless. And lazy.
...when you start thinking that you serve no purpose.
...when you start wondering why you're still alive.
...when you realize the only reason you are alive is because lots of people would be mad at you.
...when you start thinking that maybe they'd be happy with you gone.
...when you realize you could do it tonight.
I thought about it. I do almost everyday, to be honest. Usually not really seriously, but I wonder what would have happened if I had gone through with it in June. (that's a story for another day)
Don't worry, if I got that serious about it I have many friends to turn to, to convince me otherwise. To remind me that I am awesome.
And life is worth it.
Sigh
I was going to blog about my fun afternoon. I visited Jenndola, ran the battery down in my moms car and got it jump started, and went out with a friend.
But after I left my friends apartment, my mood immediately went downhill.
It's times like this that I wonder if my body thinks it's normal state is depressed. If it suddenly realizes "Hey! You've been happy for the past few days, I need to remind you how awful you REALLY are".
And then I think about all the little things that make me an awful person. At first I fight it, but then I realize it's after midnight and I'm tired and giving myself a headache isn't the best idea. So I just tell myself - "Self, please stop. I'm going to bed, and when I wake up, I better be in a good mood".
And now it's time to take my sleeping pill. Goodnight.
But after I left my friends apartment, my mood immediately went downhill.
It's times like this that I wonder if my body thinks it's normal state is depressed. If it suddenly realizes "Hey! You've been happy for the past few days, I need to remind you how awful you REALLY are".
And then I think about all the little things that make me an awful person. At first I fight it, but then I realize it's after midnight and I'm tired and giving myself a headache isn't the best idea. So I just tell myself - "Self, please stop. I'm going to bed, and when I wake up, I better be in a good mood".
And now it's time to take my sleeping pill. Goodnight.
14.10.10
Maybe I have writers block
I have no idea what to blog about! And I've only been going since Sunday! Man, you experienced bloggeres make it look so easy. Of course, not all of you blog every day...
So, I'm going to share something with you. That I love.
Affirmation
Savage Garden
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe that your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
Untill you say goodbye
Oh no no no no no no no no no no no wooow woow wooow
It's a bit old. If you don't know it, go look it up and listen.
And yes, I believe it all.
So, I'm going to share something with you. That I love.
Affirmation
Savage Garden
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe that your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
Untill you say goodbye
Oh no no no no no no no no no no no wooow woow wooow
It's a bit old. If you don't know it, go look it up and listen.
And yes, I believe it all.
13.10.10
Electronics + water = dead electronics
So, sorry. I can't post about my haircut. You see, my iPad has become my laptop. But blogger likes flash. And apple doesn't like flash. So while I'm on my iPad I can't upload pictures to blogger. And what's a post on a haircut without pictures?
So instead I'll tell you of my two loves, and how I keep forgetting how much they don't mix. These loves are, of course, electronics and water.
I've always loved water, ever since I was tiny. I never wanted to leave the swimming pool. I loved baths (actually, both of those are still true). So, my first love was water. But then I got older and discovered electronics. And they were amazing. I bought my first iPod in high school. On my own, with only the help of a $30 birthday check. And that's when I discovered the horror: electronics don't like water.
I was lucky with my first iPod. It was a first generation shuffle (remember those?). So I really couldn't use it in the tub or anything. My second iPod wasn't so lucky. I dropped it in the toilet. It still worked, but it always thought it was charging, so it was always on. My third iPod I was more careful with. It still works! My fourth was an iPod touch, my baby. I took great care of it, at first. But then I got careless. And it ended up in the tub. It still turns on and is ok, but it won't do wifi anymore. Sad day!
Oh, and somewhere in there I got a MacBook and after a few years I spilled a cup of water on it and now it's dead too.
So, now I have an iPad. I've had it a little over two months. I've been so careful with it. But I know one day, I'll want it with me by the tub. So I started looking for a way to waterproof it, temporarily, so I could play with it around water.
I asked Twitter and @jaycarr recommended a ziplock bag. He said the touch screen still worked through the bag. So I tried it. And it worked!
(There is a picture. Here. http://twitpic.com/2xfjjv)
Now I just need to remember my bag...
So instead I'll tell you of my two loves, and how I keep forgetting how much they don't mix. These loves are, of course, electronics and water.
I've always loved water, ever since I was tiny. I never wanted to leave the swimming pool. I loved baths (actually, both of those are still true). So, my first love was water. But then I got older and discovered electronics. And they were amazing. I bought my first iPod in high school. On my own, with only the help of a $30 birthday check. And that's when I discovered the horror: electronics don't like water.
I was lucky with my first iPod. It was a first generation shuffle (remember those?). So I really couldn't use it in the tub or anything. My second iPod wasn't so lucky. I dropped it in the toilet. It still worked, but it always thought it was charging, so it was always on. My third iPod I was more careful with. It still works! My fourth was an iPod touch, my baby. I took great care of it, at first. But then I got careless. And it ended up in the tub. It still turns on and is ok, but it won't do wifi anymore. Sad day!
Oh, and somewhere in there I got a MacBook and after a few years I spilled a cup of water on it and now it's dead too.
So, now I have an iPad. I've had it a little over two months. I've been so careful with it. But I know one day, I'll want it with me by the tub. So I started looking for a way to waterproof it, temporarily, so I could play with it around water.
I asked Twitter and @jaycarr recommended a ziplock bag. He said the touch screen still worked through the bag. So I tried it. And it worked!
(There is a picture. Here. http://twitpic.com/2xfjjv)
Now I just need to remember my bag...
12.10.10
I got my hair cut but you don't get to hear about it until tomorrow
Everyone's watching the miners get rescued, and I'm stuck thinking about what to write about. I did get my haircut, but all my photos are on my phone and to get them onto my aid I have to email them to myself, one by one. I'll do that tomorrow.
So today, I'm going to do something that a friend of mine(http://bit.ly/bk9bu2) does. It's called Ten on Tuesdays (http://bit.ly/c75Clk). You answer ten questions about yourself. This week it's on working out.
1. What does your work out schedule look like?
Rehab Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday I'm supposed to exercise for 20 minutes at home. Rest on Sunday.
2. What is your favorite machine to use at the gym?
The bike. It turns my legs to jelly, but I love working my legs!
3. What is your favorite class to take at the gym?
I guess I could say I've been blessed with my own personal trainer, so I haven't taken any classes. Ha!
4. Where do you shop for work out gear and clothing?
I don’t. I work out In jeans. :)
5. If you can’t go to the gym, do you have a favorite outdoor activity?
Chasing nieces and nephews around. Quite the exercise, actually.
6. What about a favorite work out DVD?
Does the Wii Fit count?
7. Are you more active now or when you were in high school?
Now. Hey, I have my own personal trainer!
8. How has your dieting/working out philosophy changed since high school?
I didn't have one in high school, and I was fine. I couldn't ever run, but I figured that was just because I never ran. Of course, now I know the REAL reason. Now my philosophy is Be Healthy. I'm at a healthy weight, so I'm not worried about dieting. I need to get my heart in shape, so I'm exercising. Or trying to.
9. What do you do while working out– (i.e., day dream, read, listen to music, gab with a friend)?
Twitter and listen to music.
10. What working out resolution would you like to make for yourself this year?
To make working out a habit. Even if it's not 6 days a week, I want to be able to run, one day.
See you tomorrow!
So today, I'm going to do something that a friend of mine(http://bit.ly/bk9bu2) does. It's called Ten on Tuesdays (http://bit.ly/c75Clk). You answer ten questions about yourself. This week it's on working out.
1. What does your work out schedule look like?
Rehab Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday I'm supposed to exercise for 20 minutes at home. Rest on Sunday.
2. What is your favorite machine to use at the gym?
The bike. It turns my legs to jelly, but I love working my legs!
3. What is your favorite class to take at the gym?
I guess I could say I've been blessed with my own personal trainer, so I haven't taken any classes. Ha!
4. Where do you shop for work out gear and clothing?
I don’t. I work out In jeans. :)
5. If you can’t go to the gym, do you have a favorite outdoor activity?
Chasing nieces and nephews around. Quite the exercise, actually.
6. What about a favorite work out DVD?
Does the Wii Fit count?
7. Are you more active now or when you were in high school?
Now. Hey, I have my own personal trainer!
8. How has your dieting/working out philosophy changed since high school?
I didn't have one in high school, and I was fine. I couldn't ever run, but I figured that was just because I never ran. Of course, now I know the REAL reason. Now my philosophy is Be Healthy. I'm at a healthy weight, so I'm not worried about dieting. I need to get my heart in shape, so I'm exercising. Or trying to.
9. What do you do while working out– (i.e., day dream, read, listen to music, gab with a friend)?
Twitter and listen to music.
10. What working out resolution would you like to make for yourself this year?
To make working out a habit. Even if it's not 6 days a week, I want to be able to run, one day.
See you tomorrow!
11.10.10
Rehab
So I've tweeted a bit from rehab, but I haven't eve fully explained it. Until now!
After my surgery they told my mom that insurance usually covers Cardiovascular Rehabilitation. I didn't even hear about it until my mom started asking me if I wanted to make an appointment. I said sure, why not?
And then, about 3 weeks after surgery, I went on vacation. That ended up being a Bad Idea (and a blog post for another day). But, it also meant I couldn't go to Rehab until I got back. Which I did. Eventually. I forget the exact day, blah blah blah.
Anyway, I had an initial evaluation. I went in, she attached these wires to my chest. Took blood pressure and oxygen level. Had me go as fast as I could on a treadmill for six minutes. And then she said to come back whenever I wanted, as many times a week as I wanted. I chooses three times a week, early(ish) in the morning.
So I've been going. At first she only had me going on a treadmill and bike. Each one about 12-16 minutes. Last Friday she started me on weights.
It's been pretty interesting going, especially since everyone ekes there is so much older than I. By a lot. And at the time I go, we watch The Price is Right. Well, others do. I listen to Pandora. :)
The days in between Rehab I'm supposed to do 20 minutes of exercise. And I'm trying to do that.
So that's rehab. Sorry, I don't see Linsey Lohan there.
After my surgery they told my mom that insurance usually covers Cardiovascular Rehabilitation. I didn't even hear about it until my mom started asking me if I wanted to make an appointment. I said sure, why not?
And then, about 3 weeks after surgery, I went on vacation. That ended up being a Bad Idea (and a blog post for another day). But, it also meant I couldn't go to Rehab until I got back. Which I did. Eventually. I forget the exact day, blah blah blah.
Anyway, I had an initial evaluation. I went in, she attached these wires to my chest. Took blood pressure and oxygen level. Had me go as fast as I could on a treadmill for six minutes. And then she said to come back whenever I wanted, as many times a week as I wanted. I chooses three times a week, early(ish) in the morning.
So I've been going. At first she only had me going on a treadmill and bike. Each one about 12-16 minutes. Last Friday she started me on weights.
It's been pretty interesting going, especially since everyone ekes there is so much older than I. By a lot. And at the time I go, we watch The Price is Right. Well, others do. I listen to Pandora. :)
The days in between Rehab I'm supposed to do 20 minutes of exercise. And I'm trying to do that.
So that's rehab. Sorry, I don't see Linsey Lohan there.
10.10.10
Today
I've decided it's time that I start blogging again.
No really, I mean it.
This time.
Today I decided something. I'm going to have faith again. 100% faith. You see, the Lord has promised me something. And right now it looks impossible. In fact, it's looked impossible from day 1.
I had faith in the beginning. Lots of faith. But fear crept in: "what if I'm wrong? What if God didn't mean that?"
My fear ate my faith. At first it was just a little hear and a little there. But finally I realized I didn't believe God would fulfill His promise. I realized that I was about to lose my religion.
And I thought about it a lot. "would it be better just to stop believing God cares? Or should I try to have faith again?"
I was thinking that for weeks. Back and forth, back and forth. Until today. We had a lesson in Relief Society about faith. At first it was just a painful reminder of what I didn't have. But slowly throughout the day, I've realized that I've made my choice.
"Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6, emphasis mine)
So I will trust. 100%. No matter how impossible it seems.
No really, I mean it.
This time.
Today I decided something. I'm going to have faith again. 100% faith. You see, the Lord has promised me something. And right now it looks impossible. In fact, it's looked impossible from day 1.
I had faith in the beginning. Lots of faith. But fear crept in: "what if I'm wrong? What if God didn't mean that?"
My fear ate my faith. At first it was just a little hear and a little there. But finally I realized I didn't believe God would fulfill His promise. I realized that I was about to lose my religion.
And I thought about it a lot. "would it be better just to stop believing God cares? Or should I try to have faith again?"
I was thinking that for weeks. Back and forth, back and forth. Until today. We had a lesson in Relief Society about faith. At first it was just a painful reminder of what I didn't have. But slowly throughout the day, I've realized that I've made my choice.
"Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6, emphasis mine)
So I will trust. 100%. No matter how impossible it seems.
9.10.10
One year ago
I posted on Twitter last night that today is my one year anniversary. I did not expound. I'm going to do so now.
This is not a happy anniversary. Some say I shouldn't acknowledge it at all. But I fear that would be lying to myself. What happened on this day one year ago has affected my whole year.
I've made it sound quite dramatic but in reality not much happened. It was a friday. I went to classes, I assume. I don't remember much. But that night, I watched a movie with some friends. Then my roommate and I took a friend home. A guy friend. Who my friend Octanewt had written on his mission. And she really liked him. When we dropped him off, they hugged. Something so small, ended up meaning nothing. But it triggered a response in me. It went something like "Oh great. Now they'll get married. I knew it. And no one ever likes me. I'm worthless."
I had had down days before then, and had figured I might have depression. But somehow this simple act was the final straw.
I went to bed, hoping to feel better in the morning. I didn't. In fact, it kept getting worse. Until I finally was suicidal. And I made an appointment with a councilor. And wee started working on helping me feel better.
It's still not all better. True, now I'm on medication. And I have tons of friends who know and understand who are here for me. But it's still a struggle, every single day.
This is not a happy anniversary. Some say I shouldn't acknowledge it at all. But I fear that would be lying to myself. What happened on this day one year ago has affected my whole year.
I've made it sound quite dramatic but in reality not much happened. It was a friday. I went to classes, I assume. I don't remember much. But that night, I watched a movie with some friends. Then my roommate and I took a friend home. A guy friend. Who my friend Octanewt had written on his mission. And she really liked him. When we dropped him off, they hugged. Something so small, ended up meaning nothing. But it triggered a response in me. It went something like "Oh great. Now they'll get married. I knew it. And no one ever likes me. I'm worthless."
I had had down days before then, and had figured I might have depression. But somehow this simple act was the final straw.
I went to bed, hoping to feel better in the morning. I didn't. In fact, it kept getting worse. Until I finally was suicidal. And I made an appointment with a councilor. And wee started working on helping me feel better.
It's still not all better. True, now I'm on medication. And I have tons of friends who know and understand who are here for me. But it's still a struggle, every single day.
27.8.10
The Big Finale (surgery pt. 3)
Sorry, it's been a while. I don't really have an excuse, except the fact that I did go through heart surgery exactly 2 weeks ago.
So, there I was. Morning of Friday the 13th. I had decided to look at it as lucky, rather than being superstitious about it.
I wasn't scheduled to go in until 12:45 so I was taking it easy. I wasn't supposed to eat, and my parents were fasting for me, so breakfast nor lunch was an option. I jumped into the shower and was trying to decide if I should actually do my hair or not, (I had even asked Twitter!) when my phone rang.
It was the hospital, asking if I could come in early. Since we were all bored, we agreed. We jumped into the car (I ended up not doing my hair) and drove to the hospital. A five minute drive.
I don't remember everything that happened before the surgery, only bits and pieces. I got checked in, and then we went upstairs. I changed into a nifty hospital gown (complete with hat) and waited a lot. They put in one IV and tried to put in another one but had problems. Eventually someone else came in and put the second one in.
Eventually they wheeled me into the surgery room. They said it was going to be freezing, but it felt fine to me. :) and then everything went black. Actually, it didn't I just remember waking up in a different room, with my hands tied, and something down my throat. Oh, and the minute I woke up, I threw up. How's that for fun?
They had told me that I probably wouldn't remember anything from Friday night or Saturday night. I guess I can't say they lied because they said "probably" but I still feel gypped.
Anyway, saturday morning the nurses brought me breakfast. A real breakfast. No clear liquid diet for me. Ugh. It made me sick, and I threw up again.
I didn't want to eat after that. My stomach felt awful, and I didn't want to throw up again. Of course all the nurses and staff were trying to get me to eat SOMETHING. They didn't succeed. Finally on Monday or tuesday the doctors came in and said "oh, reduced appetite is just fine." Gosh, NOW you tell me.
So, I went home on the Wednesday and I've been home ever since. Building up my strength, trying to remember to do my breathing exercises. If you wanna come visit, just give me a call, send me a text, @reply me, whatever. Just contact me before you show up at my house. Because, I might not be there.
So, there I was. Morning of Friday the 13th. I had decided to look at it as lucky, rather than being superstitious about it.
I wasn't scheduled to go in until 12:45 so I was taking it easy. I wasn't supposed to eat, and my parents were fasting for me, so breakfast nor lunch was an option. I jumped into the shower and was trying to decide if I should actually do my hair or not, (I had even asked Twitter!) when my phone rang.
It was the hospital, asking if I could come in early. Since we were all bored, we agreed. We jumped into the car (I ended up not doing my hair) and drove to the hospital. A five minute drive.
I don't remember everything that happened before the surgery, only bits and pieces. I got checked in, and then we went upstairs. I changed into a nifty hospital gown (complete with hat) and waited a lot. They put in one IV and tried to put in another one but had problems. Eventually someone else came in and put the second one in.
Eventually they wheeled me into the surgery room. They said it was going to be freezing, but it felt fine to me. :) and then everything went black. Actually, it didn't I just remember waking up in a different room, with my hands tied, and something down my throat. Oh, and the minute I woke up, I threw up. How's that for fun?
They had told me that I probably wouldn't remember anything from Friday night or Saturday night. I guess I can't say they lied because they said "probably" but I still feel gypped.
Anyway, saturday morning the nurses brought me breakfast. A real breakfast. No clear liquid diet for me. Ugh. It made me sick, and I threw up again.
I didn't want to eat after that. My stomach felt awful, and I didn't want to throw up again. Of course all the nurses and staff were trying to get me to eat SOMETHING. They didn't succeed. Finally on Monday or tuesday the doctors came in and said "oh, reduced appetite is just fine." Gosh, NOW you tell me.
So, I went home on the Wednesday and I've been home ever since. Building up my strength, trying to remember to do my breathing exercises. If you wanna come visit, just give me a call, send me a text, @reply me, whatever. Just contact me before you show up at my house. Because, I might not be there.
20.8.10
Going to the dentist (surgery pt 2)
Ok, I guess you guys are impatient for part two. And Holly did eat her broccoli. So, let's resume.
(Part 1 here: http://sarahssparkysnits.blogspot.com/2010/08/how-it-all-started-surgery-pt-1.html)
So there I was, sitting in the ER. They declare it to be more severe then we thought. More severe than anyone thought. They decided to admit me.
Now, as I had never been in the hospital (and I admit it, I was high on morphine), so I thought this was going to be a grand adventure. So, we went upstairs (my mom was with me for basically this while thing. And my sister, who was also at the conference, came and visited.), we went upstairs and got into a room! Excitement! Let's see what the doctors have to say about all of this! (that day I also had 3 EKGs and an MRI) Well, they didn't come, and they didn't come and finally the night crew standing in for the surgeons came and said "sorry, we don't know much. They'll see you tomorrow! Oh, and don't eat or drink anything after midnight, they'll probably want to do a trans-esophageal-echocardiogram. (I had one of them back in '09. You should totally look up my post about it because I'm not going to right now. So there. :P )
So, we went to bed. My mom went back to the conference, so I could have a real adventure! (note: being awoken at 3:00 am to have your blood pressure taken is NOT an adventure)
That night passed. In the morning the surgeons came. They said "we need to operate sooner rather than later."
We asked, "What does that mean? November?"
"No," they said. "Next week. How about Friday?"
After we recovered from that shock, we said sure. And the preparations began.
The plan was this: release me on the Friday. I go home. Go to the dentist Monday. Pre-op Wednesday or Thursday. Surgery Friday.
Simple enough, right?
No.
That Saturday morning, (I guess it was the 7th) I was packing, because I was in SLC for a conference, rememberer? Anyway, I got done packing, and felt a bit tired, so I laid down. And the pain came back. Not quite as bad, it was about a 9.5 versus a full 10, but it was bad enough.
So, back to the ER!
Run another EKG, decided there'd was no more damage, admitted me anyway.
I stayed there until Monday afternoon. I don't remember much of the stay and I don't feel like trying to remember. So there!
So, Monday we went straight to byu. I had group therapy to say goodbye to, and I had to ask about what I do about not going to school fall semester.
After that, I went to the dentist.
Now, side story. I don't like the dentist. I mean, the man's fine enough, been going to him my whole life, but I've never been the best at brushing my teeth. So, I'd go through fazes, but I never really flossed. When I went to the dentist Monday the 9th, I hadn't been for over 5 years. Now my heart surgeon said that if there was any infection in my mouth at all, they'd need to postpone surgery, which no one wanted.
So there I was, going to the dentist for the first time in 5 years, convinced I had 5 cavities, and while cavities wouldn't postpone the surgery, getting them filled wouldn't be fun. But, miracle of miracles: nothing! No cavities, no problems. They even took x-rays and they showed nothing. I was so relieved. Yay!
Monday night we just chilled with the family. Same with most of Tuesday, but Tuesday night we went back to SLC to be close to the ER in case there was any more chest pain. They said if I stayed down in Orem and went to the ER I'd be life-flighted up to SLC (yay, adventure!) but mom was against that.
So Wednesday we went to Temple Square and Thursday I had my pre-op and lunch with my aunt and cousin. And friday was the big day. Which will be part three.
(Part 1 here: http://sarahssparkysnits.blogspot.com/2010/08/how-it-all-started-surgery-pt-1.html)
So there I was, sitting in the ER. They declare it to be more severe then we thought. More severe than anyone thought. They decided to admit me.
Now, as I had never been in the hospital (and I admit it, I was high on morphine), so I thought this was going to be a grand adventure. So, we went upstairs (my mom was with me for basically this while thing. And my sister, who was also at the conference, came and visited.), we went upstairs and got into a room! Excitement! Let's see what the doctors have to say about all of this! (that day I also had 3 EKGs and an MRI) Well, they didn't come, and they didn't come and finally the night crew standing in for the surgeons came and said "sorry, we don't know much. They'll see you tomorrow! Oh, and don't eat or drink anything after midnight, they'll probably want to do a trans-esophageal-echocardiogram. (I had one of them back in '09. You should totally look up my post about it because I'm not going to right now. So there. :P )
So, we went to bed. My mom went back to the conference, so I could have a real adventure! (note: being awoken at 3:00 am to have your blood pressure taken is NOT an adventure)
That night passed. In the morning the surgeons came. They said "we need to operate sooner rather than later."
We asked, "What does that mean? November?"
"No," they said. "Next week. How about Friday?"
After we recovered from that shock, we said sure. And the preparations began.
The plan was this: release me on the Friday. I go home. Go to the dentist Monday. Pre-op Wednesday or Thursday. Surgery Friday.
Simple enough, right?
No.
That Saturday morning, (I guess it was the 7th) I was packing, because I was in SLC for a conference, rememberer? Anyway, I got done packing, and felt a bit tired, so I laid down. And the pain came back. Not quite as bad, it was about a 9.5 versus a full 10, but it was bad enough.
So, back to the ER!
Run another EKG, decided there'd was no more damage, admitted me anyway.
I stayed there until Monday afternoon. I don't remember much of the stay and I don't feel like trying to remember. So there!
So, Monday we went straight to byu. I had group therapy to say goodbye to, and I had to ask about what I do about not going to school fall semester.
After that, I went to the dentist.
Now, side story. I don't like the dentist. I mean, the man's fine enough, been going to him my whole life, but I've never been the best at brushing my teeth. So, I'd go through fazes, but I never really flossed. When I went to the dentist Monday the 9th, I hadn't been for over 5 years. Now my heart surgeon said that if there was any infection in my mouth at all, they'd need to postpone surgery, which no one wanted.
So there I was, going to the dentist for the first time in 5 years, convinced I had 5 cavities, and while cavities wouldn't postpone the surgery, getting them filled wouldn't be fun. But, miracle of miracles: nothing! No cavities, no problems. They even took x-rays and they showed nothing. I was so relieved. Yay!
Monday night we just chilled with the family. Same with most of Tuesday, but Tuesday night we went back to SLC to be close to the ER in case there was any more chest pain. They said if I stayed down in Orem and went to the ER I'd be life-flighted up to SLC (yay, adventure!) but mom was against that.
So Wednesday we went to Temple Square and Thursday I had my pre-op and lunch with my aunt and cousin. And friday was the big day. Which will be part three.
19.8.10
How it all started (surgery pt 1)
So, I guess Some people out there want to hear about how this whole heart surgery started. Silly people. You think you have rights to hear my story? Well, I guess I did start this blog to tell my story, and this is a pretty big thing, ok, you guys win. But I'll tell it my way.
MY way!
*evil laugh*
Ok, so I'm not sure how far back to go. Last may (2009) I found out about my athero-stenosis. I blogged about it back then. I'm not going to look it up right now. Because I don't feel like it, that's why. Should I send you back to bed? Let's continue then.
So that was diagnosed. I knew I had a problem, but the Doctor said it wasn't that bad, and I felt mostly ok, so I was fine, right? Sure.
Fast forward to June. Yep, three months ago. I had an MRI. Checked up on it. "The valve's a little smaller, but nothing to worry about" he said. "Surgery is still years away."
"But I'm tired all the time," I said. "nomatteer how much or how little sleep I get, I'm always tired!"
"Excersize more," he said. And I tried.
But it was hard. And so I still was tired. And figured everything was my fault. Because hey, I was the one not excersizing, right?
Well, fast forward to the first week of August. I went to a womans conference. It was wonderful. All about improving yourself inside and out. It was up on the University of Utahs campus (I know, they're evil; but I finilly figured out WHY they're evil).
The conference started on Monday. On Thursday morning I had intense chest pain. And I mean INTENSE!! Everything hurt, I didn't want to move, didn't want to breathe, ugh. We went to the U of U ER (5 minutes away). They gave me morphine, ran an intense Echo-Cardiogram, and declared my stenosis to be 'severe' rather than 'mild to moderate'.
Ok kids, that's enough for tonight. It's time to go to bed. I'll tell you more tomorrow, ok? But you have to eat your vegetables. Yes, that includes you, Holly.
Next up: my first stay in the hospital and how dentists are related to heart sergeons.
MY way!
*evil laugh*
Ok, so I'm not sure how far back to go. Last may (2009) I found out about my athero-stenosis. I blogged about it back then. I'm not going to look it up right now. Because I don't feel like it, that's why. Should I send you back to bed? Let's continue then.
So that was diagnosed. I knew I had a problem, but the Doctor said it wasn't that bad, and I felt mostly ok, so I was fine, right? Sure.
Fast forward to June. Yep, three months ago. I had an MRI. Checked up on it. "The valve's a little smaller, but nothing to worry about" he said. "Surgery is still years away."
"But I'm tired all the time," I said. "nomatteer how much or how little sleep I get, I'm always tired!"
"Excersize more," he said. And I tried.
But it was hard. And so I still was tired. And figured everything was my fault. Because hey, I was the one not excersizing, right?
Well, fast forward to the first week of August. I went to a womans conference. It was wonderful. All about improving yourself inside and out. It was up on the University of Utahs campus (I know, they're evil; but I finilly figured out WHY they're evil).
The conference started on Monday. On Thursday morning I had intense chest pain. And I mean INTENSE!! Everything hurt, I didn't want to move, didn't want to breathe, ugh. We went to the U of U ER (5 minutes away). They gave me morphine, ran an intense Echo-Cardiogram, and declared my stenosis to be 'severe' rather than 'mild to moderate'.
Ok kids, that's enough for tonight. It's time to go to bed. I'll tell you more tomorrow, ok? But you have to eat your vegetables. Yes, that includes you, Holly.
Next up: my first stay in the hospital and how dentists are related to heart sergeons.
20.7.10
Update
So, my last few posts haven't really said anything about my mood. So, to those who are wondering: I'm actually doing pretty good! I'm pretty surprised. I went in and talked to a therapist last week (not my normal one, he was out of town) and she said some things that have actually brought me peace.
Right now I have two main problems:
One: I feel numb to my emotions. I can't tell when I'm happy, sad, mad, frustrated, etc. So right now I'm just assuming that I'm happy, but I need to somehow reconnect with my emotions. I just have no idea how to do this.
Two: I'm tired. All. The. Time. I used to be, but this is worse. I've gotten insomnia (yes, something else to deal with) so I'm taking a sleeping pill. Which helps me sleep, but then I still wake up exhausted. Then I have to deal with the rest of the day. And when I go to bed I'm so tired, but I just can't sleep without a pill. Not Good.
Other than those two things, I'm dealing with life well. I'm trying to help out at home, but with no energy it's hard. I don't feel like getting a job. But I'm not just laying in bed all day. I'm trying.
Right now I have two main problems:
One: I feel numb to my emotions. I can't tell when I'm happy, sad, mad, frustrated, etc. So right now I'm just assuming that I'm happy, but I need to somehow reconnect with my emotions. I just have no idea how to do this.
Two: I'm tired. All. The. Time. I used to be, but this is worse. I've gotten insomnia (yes, something else to deal with) so I'm taking a sleeping pill. Which helps me sleep, but then I still wake up exhausted. Then I have to deal with the rest of the day. And when I go to bed I'm so tired, but I just can't sleep without a pill. Not Good.
Other than those two things, I'm dealing with life well. I'm trying to help out at home, but with no energy it's hard. I don't feel like getting a job. But I'm not just laying in bed all day. I'm trying.
19.7.10
16.7.10
why I shouldn't go hiking
So you all know about my heart condition, right? RIGHT? (if not, look here)
So I was hiking up to Timpanogos Cave when I found this warning:
Whoops.
12.7.10
i'm alive
i'm still alive. i know, i'm shocked, too.
my sisters went home. the house is empty. mostly.
last week was hard. but amazingly, thursday i woke up happy. friday, saturday, most of sunday were good too. i thought 'hey, my medication finally kicked in!'
alas, it is not to be.
i crashed back down. hard. after actually thinking life is worth living, coming back to this, i'm really wondering what the point is. if i can fall that far, why try? if anything can set this off, what's the point of life? i'm a mess, my life's a mess.
honestly, i think the would would be better off without me.
my sisters went home. the house is empty. mostly.
last week was hard. but amazingly, thursday i woke up happy. friday, saturday, most of sunday were good too. i thought 'hey, my medication finally kicked in!'
alas, it is not to be.
i crashed back down. hard. after actually thinking life is worth living, coming back to this, i'm really wondering what the point is. if i can fall that far, why try? if anything can set this off, what's the point of life? i'm a mess, my life's a mess.
honestly, i think the would would be better off without me.
26.6.10
I admit it.
I've thought about doing this for a while. But I've never had the nerve. Until today. So here it goes.
I have depression.
There. I said it. I admitted it. Online. I've suffered this for a while, and I started seeing a therapist in September/October of last year. And I've been on medication since January.
I don't know why it's so hard to admit this. I guess I like to pretend online that my life is perfect, or at least more normal than this.
I guess I also think that no one wants to listen to someone whine about how much their life sucks and how they just want to die. To be honest, I know I have much to be thankful for. I just feel like hell right now. And my brain keeps telling me it's never going to get better. I feel like a total failure, like I've let everyone down. Like I don't deserve to live. Like it would be better for the whole world if I died. And my thought process goes down from there. Until I'm convinced that I need to just go ahead and kill myself.
Obviously I haven't done this yet. I have a lot of friends who I talk to when it gets too bad. And I'm trying to live. Right now I know I can't get better on my own. Last week we increased my dose with my "happy pills" but with all SSRI's it takes up to 5 weeks for us to see if it's working. So I have a few more weeks of plodding through before I even know if this is working. And if not, I get to start over with a different prescription. Sounds fun, right? This also makes me just want to give up.
But, I'm doing it. I'm alive. I can't do much. But somehow I get myself to get out of bed (Having family in town helps. No, let me rephrase that. The only reason I get out of bed is because I have my sister in town.), and talk to family. A little. And I listen to Linkin Park. And feel like crying. And sometimes I do cry.
One day Maybe I'll feel better. I'm trying to have hope, but mainly I'm just convincing myself that I'm too tired to kill myself today. And it works.
I have depression.
There. I said it. I admitted it. Online. I've suffered this for a while, and I started seeing a therapist in September/October of last year. And I've been on medication since January.
I don't know why it's so hard to admit this. I guess I like to pretend online that my life is perfect, or at least more normal than this.
I guess I also think that no one wants to listen to someone whine about how much their life sucks and how they just want to die. To be honest, I know I have much to be thankful for. I just feel like hell right now. And my brain keeps telling me it's never going to get better. I feel like a total failure, like I've let everyone down. Like I don't deserve to live. Like it would be better for the whole world if I died. And my thought process goes down from there. Until I'm convinced that I need to just go ahead and kill myself.
Obviously I haven't done this yet. I have a lot of friends who I talk to when it gets too bad. And I'm trying to live. Right now I know I can't get better on my own. Last week we increased my dose with my "happy pills" but with all SSRI's it takes up to 5 weeks for us to see if it's working. So I have a few more weeks of plodding through before I even know if this is working. And if not, I get to start over with a different prescription. Sounds fun, right? This also makes me just want to give up.
But, I'm doing it. I'm alive. I can't do much. But somehow I get myself to get out of bed (Having family in town helps. No, let me rephrase that. The only reason I get out of bed is because I have my sister in town.), and talk to family. A little. And I listen to Linkin Park. And feel like crying. And sometimes I do cry.
One day Maybe I'll feel better. I'm trying to have hope, but mainly I'm just convincing myself that I'm too tired to kill myself today. And it works.
18.6.10
Friday!
It's friday! And I'm posting. :)
1. I don't know what I'll be doing today at 6:58.
2. It was the reason, of course, why I was there.
3. Crying is something I no longer feel the need to do.
4. I have another errand to run, then I'll be ready.
5. It's out there somewhere...just go find it
6. What were once vices are still vices.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hanging out with family, tomorrow my plans include going to Kennecott Copper Mine and Sunday, I want to play games!
1. I don't know what I'll be doing today at 6:58.
2. It was the reason, of course, why I was there.
3. Crying is something I no longer feel the need to do.
4. I have another errand to run, then I'll be ready.
5. It's out there somewhere...just go find it
6. What were once vices are still vices.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hanging out with family, tomorrow my plans include going to Kennecott Copper Mine and Sunday, I want to play games!
6.6.10
Who Am I?
Who Am I? - Ethan's Song
Diana Steele & Scott Smith
Who am I? Where did I come from?
Who am I? Where do I go from here?
In this life, I've so many choices
How can I find a path that's always clear?
Who am I? What is my purpose;
Am I just meant to wander through this land?
Where do I go when I find that I'm afraid
And the doors aren't always open where I used to run?
Oh, show me which way I should turn
And teach me all I need to learn
Then take my hand and tell me it'll be okay
And help me find my way back home
Well I don't, I don't know all the answers
And I don't think I'm gonna learn them all here
So I keep my eyes on the horizon
And focus on the ones I hold so dear
Who am I, Am I all that you hoped for?
And have I made you proud to call your own?
I'm in your hands; I'll follow where you lead
And I'll listen for your voice to call to me
And tell me which way I should turn
Teach me all I need to learn
Then take my hand and tell me it'll be okay
And help me find my way back home
Give me strength
In all my trials
And I will pass that strength along
Oh, show me which way I should turn
And teach me all I need to learn
Then take my hand and tell me it'll be okay
And help me find my way back home
Oh, you know me and all I can do
Help me find my way back to you
This song was written for my nephew, during his fight against cancer. But right now I'm finding strength through it. It's really an amazing song, and I can send you a copy if you're interested.
25.5.10
Ten on Tuesday
I should probably write more about my life, but nothing much is going on right now. I'm trying to find a job, but not as much as I really should (I suck at job-hunting. meh). My sister from Houston is spending the week in Yellowstone (I saw her Sunday, happy day!), and she'll be back Sunday to stay until July. At least I'll be able to earn some money babysitting. :)
That's about it. I'm trying to cut down my online time. It's hard. I'm trying to be more social. That's hard, too.
Maybe one day I'll have a serious post about what I've learned in the past month about following the Spirit. We'll see.
Here's ten on tuesday!
1. What is your favourite piece of furniture in your house?
hmmm. I don't actually own any furniture (sad day), but I really love our old couch. It's huge, you can't buy one that long anymore. Ah, the memories.
2. If it was raining so hard on a Saturday that you couldn’t leave your house, what would you spend the day doing?
Reading, listening to music, complaining on twitter. :)
3. What was your favourite candy as a child?
As a child? Hmmm. Mr. Goodbar, I think. So, chocolate?
4. Did you get an allowance? What was it based on? What did you do with it?
No allowance. I could work for my parents to earn money if I wanted. But there was never really anything I wanted...
5. Do you have a favourite Etsy store?
No, but my friend has one, so does that count?
6. Do you prefer time with family or time with friends?
Both. Especially when my friends are my family. :)
7. Looney Tunes, Tiny Toons, or Animaniacs?
I never really watched any of those growing up (my mom had strict rules regarding TV). So, no idea.
8. Best daytime talk show: Oprah, Ellen, The Doctors, Tyra (ha!), Dr. Oz, or Dr. Phil?
Um, I've never seen any of those, and I've only heard of like, 2. So, none of the above?
.
9. Would you rather have the power of invisibility or the ability to fly?
Fly. I love flying (in an airplane), and it would be amazing to do it everyday.
10. Name 1 thing you love about being an adult.
Hmmm. Probably choosing my own meals, closely followed by choosing my own bedtime.
That's about it. I'm trying to cut down my online time. It's hard. I'm trying to be more social. That's hard, too.
Maybe one day I'll have a serious post about what I've learned in the past month about following the Spirit. We'll see.
Here's ten on tuesday!
1. What is your favourite piece of furniture in your house?
hmmm. I don't actually own any furniture (sad day), but I really love our old couch. It's huge, you can't buy one that long anymore. Ah, the memories.
2. If it was raining so hard on a Saturday that you couldn’t leave your house, what would you spend the day doing?
Reading, listening to music, complaining on twitter. :)
3. What was your favourite candy as a child?
As a child? Hmmm. Mr. Goodbar, I think. So, chocolate?
4. Did you get an allowance? What was it based on? What did you do with it?
No allowance. I could work for my parents to earn money if I wanted. But there was never really anything I wanted...
5. Do you have a favourite Etsy store?
No, but my friend has one, so does that count?
6. Do you prefer time with family or time with friends?
Both. Especially when my friends are my family. :)
7. Looney Tunes, Tiny Toons, or Animaniacs?
I never really watched any of those growing up (my mom had strict rules regarding TV). So, no idea.
8. Best daytime talk show: Oprah, Ellen, The Doctors, Tyra (ha!), Dr. Oz, or Dr. Phil?
Um, I've never seen any of those, and I've only heard of like, 2. So, none of the above?
.
9. Would you rather have the power of invisibility or the ability to fly?
Fly. I love flying (in an airplane), and it would be amazing to do it everyday.
10. Name 1 thing you love about being an adult.
Hmmm. Probably choosing my own meals, closely followed by choosing my own bedtime.
20.5.10
I love this
I first heard part of this song in the new Mormon Channel Video, "My New Life", about blogger NieNie's life. I fell in love with it, and now I find that there is an unofficial music video!
So I love this singer, Mindy Gledhill. I first heard about her on Twitter (where I do follow her). This song is called "All About Your Heart" and it's on her soon-to-be-released album, Anchor. I'm super excited for it!
So I love this singer, Mindy Gledhill. I first heard about her on Twitter (where I do follow her). This song is called "All About Your Heart" and it's on her soon-to-be-released album, Anchor. I'm super excited for it!
18.5.10
Tuesday!
So I'm actually doing this on tuesday this week. Let's see if this becomes a weekly thing or if I slack off...
1. If your name was a verb, what would “to Chelsea” mean? (Insert your own name though…)
well...to Cspokey would mean to read. While listening to music. And tweeting.
2. What myth have you always wanted to prove or bust?
I'm not sure. Maybe something to do with...peanut butter. Yeah.
3. If you had the ability to get a message out to the entire world, what would you say?
Um...
4. I know you’ve answered a similar question before, but it’s been awhile. Please name your current top 10 blogs.
Top 10? I'm subscribed to over 200 in Google Reader. Right now I don't have as much time to read blogs, so current top 10 are friends and funny ones. Like: http://www.dweebist.com/, Cake Wrecks, Geek & Poke.
5. Do you have a junk drawer?
A junk drawer? No. I have about 5. Most of it needs to go to DI though.
6. Bottled water or tap?
Tap. Filtered.
7. As a kid, did you have a favorite Biblical story?
Um, not really.
8. What is your favorite black and white movie?
Not sure. Haven't seen enough.
9. Aside from your engagement/wedding rings, what is your favorite piece of jewelry that you own? Does it have a story behind it?Well, I don't have an engagmenet/wedding ring at this time. I have a cheap ($2) bracelet that says "Ethan's Team" that I wear at all times. It reminds me of Ethan, of the fight against cancer.
10. What sports/activities do you hope your kids will be involved in? (Answer for both a boy and a girl)
Whatever they want to do. I want to give them a variety of options for them to try out, but let them decide for themselves.
17.5.10
breaking news!
Ok, so this isn't really breaking news.
It's not even news.
But I'm going to say it anyway.
I'm crazy. I'm insane.
Because I have a secret. And it's crazy. But it's true.
It's not even news.
But I'm going to say it anyway.
I'm crazy. I'm insane.
Because I have a secret. And it's crazy. But it's true.
13.5.10
Ten on Thursday
It's supposed to be ten on tuesday, but I don't mind being a little late.
1. What was your high school superlative (if you didn’t have one- what would it have been)?
I didn't have one that I can remember. High school was a while ago.
2. What sports did you play in high school?
None. I don't do sports.
3. What was the best part about your wedding (if you’re not married yet, what are you looking forward to)?
Um, pass.
4. It’s your last meal– what Appetizer, Soup, Salad, Entree and Dessert would you choose?
Appetizer: Breadsticks.
Soup: Broccoli and cheese.
Salad: Barbecue chicken.
Entrée: Fried chicken. Because I've been craving that for weeks. And it still sounds good.
Dessert: Fondue.
5. What song is your guilty pleasure?
One song? Right now it would be World Spins Madly On by the Weepies.
6. What is your favourite professional sports team, and why do you like them?
Um...I honestly don't follow that.
7. What is your favourite reality show and why do you like it?
Reality show? Um, I don't watch TV...
8. How would you classify your home decorating style (modern, classic, French country)?
Modern. Definitely Mondern.
9. Pizza- deep dish or thin crust? White sauce or red sauce? What toppings?
Deep dish, red sauce, barbecue chicken.
10. Favourite weekend getaway within a two hour driving radius?
I guess I'd say Salt Lake City, Kaysville probably.
1. What was your high school superlative (if you didn’t have one- what would it have been)?
I didn't have one that I can remember. High school was a while ago.
2. What sports did you play in high school?
None. I don't do sports.
3. What was the best part about your wedding (if you’re not married yet, what are you looking forward to)?
Um, pass.
4. It’s your last meal– what Appetizer, Soup, Salad, Entree and Dessert would you choose?
Appetizer: Breadsticks.
Soup: Broccoli and cheese.
Salad: Barbecue chicken.
Entrée: Fried chicken. Because I've been craving that for weeks. And it still sounds good.
Dessert: Fondue.
5. What song is your guilty pleasure?
One song? Right now it would be World Spins Madly On by the Weepies.
6. What is your favourite professional sports team, and why do you like them?
Um...I honestly don't follow that.
7. What is your favourite reality show and why do you like it?
Reality show? Um, I don't watch TV...
8. How would you classify your home decorating style (modern, classic, French country)?
Modern. Definitely Mondern.
9. Pizza- deep dish or thin crust? White sauce or red sauce? What toppings?
Deep dish, red sauce, barbecue chicken.
10. Favourite weekend getaway within a two hour driving radius?
I guess I'd say Salt Lake City, Kaysville probably.
11.5.10
Relay for Life
So, I don't really know how to describe Relay. It was an absolutely amazing night. There were hundreds of people there, all fighting against cancer. I've known many people who've had cancer: my mom had it twice (she's been cancer free for about 10 years I think. yay!), my nephew, my grandma, my great-uncle, my great-grandpa, multiple young woman leaders, etc. It's an awful disease, which goes after anyone, not caring about age, situation in life, etc. And we have to fight against it.
That night, hundreds of people got together. We raised over $100,000. Wow!
The main part is the fact that for each team, one person on that team is walking around the field at any time, in remembrance of those who have had cancer. I walked from 12:30 to about 1.
The disappointing thing about the night is that it looked like rain, like a huge storm was coming. So about 1 am they told everyone to pack up, and basically everyone went home. Which was silly, because we were at a high school football field, and the committee had reserved the gym, and we could have just kept walking all night. Even worse, it didn't even end up raining!
There were a few of us (my sister, my brother-in-law, my brother) who stayed and walked until about 3 am, but then we were so tired we had to go home.
It was an amazing experience. I'm disappointed that we didn't go all night. But, we tried.
And we will always remember.
That night, hundreds of people got together. We raised over $100,000. Wow!
The main part is the fact that for each team, one person on that team is walking around the field at any time, in remembrance of those who have had cancer. I walked from 12:30 to about 1.
The disappointing thing about the night is that it looked like rain, like a huge storm was coming. So about 1 am they told everyone to pack up, and basically everyone went home. Which was silly, because we were at a high school football field, and the committee had reserved the gym, and we could have just kept walking all night. Even worse, it didn't even end up raining!
There were a few of us (my sister, my brother-in-law, my brother) who stayed and walked until about 3 am, but then we were so tired we had to go home.
It was an amazing experience. I'm disappointed that we didn't go all night. But, we tried.
And we will always remember.
19.4.10
Relay for Life
This Friday I am participating in Relay for Life in honor of my nephew ETHAN. In case you didn't know, he was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 4 and after fighting for 2 years it won. Relay for Life is an amazing advocate for raising not only money for cancer but also awareness of it. In order to participate I have to raise at least $100. Please help me in this cause as much as you can. Ethan's example of bravery changed my life forever and my life has never nor will it ever be the same. Ethan loved life, he loved his family, and he taught me how to live, how to be brave, and how to fearlessly love those around you. PLEASE HELP, it really would mean a lot to me, but more importantly it means a lot to the next person who is diagnosed with cancer. SAVE LIVES!
How to donate: if you're my friend on facebook there is a "button" on my profile page that can lead you to my page for Relay for Life where you can donate really easily using a credit card. You can put your donation in honor of anyone you might have lost to this awful disease.
If not, here's a link to my page where you can donate:
Please Donate!
How to donate: if you're my friend on facebook there is a "button" on my profile page that can lead you to my page for Relay for Life where you can donate really easily using a credit card. You can put your donation in honor of anyone you might have lost to this awful disease.
If not, here's a link to my page where you can donate:
Please Donate!
16.4.10
15.4.10
running
I run.
Not always, but when faced with something I can't handle, I run from it.
If I don't know how to react, I run. If I can't run, I hide.
I ran last October. And I'm running now.
I'm going to Houston. I'm running to my dear sister, Elizabeth, who has been through more than I can ever imagine.
I still love him. I want him back in my life. I miss him every hour of every day. Maybe more than that. I keep going to my phone to text him, or send him a photo of something, then I remind myself I can't. I look at the clock and wonder what he's doing. If he's missing me.
I see him everywhere. He's been such a part of my life, everything screams his name. Except not really screams, just whispers constantly, so it's almost like screaming.
I don't want to get over him. I want him to come back. Which is why I'm running.
Not always, but when faced with something I can't handle, I run from it.
If I don't know how to react, I run. If I can't run, I hide.
I ran last October. And I'm running now.
I'm going to Houston. I'm running to my dear sister, Elizabeth, who has been through more than I can ever imagine.
I still love him. I want him back in my life. I miss him every hour of every day. Maybe more than that. I keep going to my phone to text him, or send him a photo of something, then I remind myself I can't. I look at the clock and wonder what he's doing. If he's missing me.
I see him everywhere. He's been such a part of my life, everything screams his name. Except not really screams, just whispers constantly, so it's almost like screaming.
I don't want to get over him. I want him to come back. Which is why I'm running.
11.4.10
Breakeven
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.
Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)
You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no
//As sweet as my joy was, that is how bitter my misery is. I hope he's happy. Maybe.
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.
Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)
You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no
//As sweet as my joy was, that is how bitter my misery is. I hope he's happy. Maybe.
9.3.10
Being Anonymous
This has been a big thing for me. How anonymous do I want to be online? Should I post my full real name and let anyone find me? Should I go by my first name, since it's such a common name? Should I go by a nickname? I know different people who do all three. Different thought processes.
I really don't like the idea of my full name being out there, but then it's on facebook, which does link here. So am I just being overcautious? For a long time my full name wasn't even on facebook, just my last initial.
I do like the idea of being able to choose my own name online. A secret identity. A me who might be more like myself. Freer, who tries not to care about what you all might think about me. And if you all know me in real life, how do the two me's overlap?
And a new issue has come up: my boyfriend. You see, he has a blog. And on his blog he uses his real name. But, how do I refer to him here? His first name? A nickname?
Hmmm....
I really don't like the idea of my full name being out there, but then it's on facebook, which does link here. So am I just being overcautious? For a long time my full name wasn't even on facebook, just my last initial.
I do like the idea of being able to choose my own name online. A secret identity. A me who might be more like myself. Freer, who tries not to care about what you all might think about me. And if you all know me in real life, how do the two me's overlap?
And a new issue has come up: my boyfriend. You see, he has a blog. And on his blog he uses his real name. But, how do I refer to him here? His first name? A nickname?
Hmmm....
Where does my time go?
I find myself asking this question quite often. It seems really strange, I only have: one class, one unofficial job, and a boyfriend. (who is super busy which is sad, but he makes time for me which is happy) You'd think I'd have oodles of time, right? WRONG! Right now is the first time in like a week or two that I've actually had time to myself to sit and blog. And catch up on Google Reader, which is under 1,000 right now! Let's see how long that lasts...
Anyway, so how do I spend my days? It depends on the day, but something like this (on a Thursday):
Sometime around 6 or 6:30: Wake up. Get ready for the day.
Around 7:00: Make lunch for me and my roommate.
7:30: Ride picks me up/I drive to campus.
8:00-11:00: Class
11-1: Lunch, hopefully with a certain guy
1-5: Work for my rent. Because I'm not good at finding a real job. Or something
5-6: Dinner
After 6: I never know what happens here. I probably take a bath, chat with the guy, do dishes. I go to bed eventually, and if I'm smart I say goodnight around 9:30 or 10. If I'm not, I stay up until 11ish and curse myself the following day.
So, obviously there are a few hours missing. This is open to investigation. Where do these hours go? No one knows. But after dinner is always Chatting Time. If you ever want to chat with me, that is the time. I do in fact stay up later than I should, because if I can't spend time with my guy, I'm going to talk to him/distract him while he works on his insane projects because he's a genius. At least he's not an evil genius. Yet.
Anyway, so how do I spend my days? It depends on the day, but something like this (on a Thursday):
Sometime around 6 or 6:30: Wake up. Get ready for the day.
Around 7:00: Make lunch for me and my roommate.
7:30: Ride picks me up/I drive to campus.
8:00-11:00: Class
11-1: Lunch, hopefully with a certain guy
1-5: Work for my rent. Because I'm not good at finding a real job. Or something
5-6: Dinner
After 6: I never know what happens here. I probably take a bath, chat with the guy, do dishes. I go to bed eventually, and if I'm smart I say goodnight around 9:30 or 10. If I'm not, I stay up until 11ish and curse myself the following day.
So, obviously there are a few hours missing. This is open to investigation. Where do these hours go? No one knows. But after dinner is always Chatting Time. If you ever want to chat with me, that is the time. I do in fact stay up later than I should, because if I can't spend time with my guy, I'm going to talk to him/distract him while he works on his insane projects because he's a genius. At least he's not an evil genius. Yet.
9.2.10
News
I have news.
I have happy news.
I haven't been able to stop smiling for 2 days, happy news.
Can you guess? Probably. You probably already know. But I'm going to say it anyway.
I have a boyfriend.
I have happy news.
I haven't been able to stop smiling for 2 days, happy news.
Can you guess? Probably. You probably already know. But I'm going to say it anyway.
I have a boyfriend.
2.2.10
300?!
This is my 300th post. I really never thought I'd make it this far. Although sometimes my posting is sporadic, thanks to you who do read this.
Right now life is better than it has been in over a year. Isn't that crazy? Last semester was so horrible, and there were many things that happened last year that made it awful. But now, life is amazing.
I am looking for another major right now, leaning towards Math. If anyone has any suggestions or thoughts on this, they would be greatly appreciated. I just don't really know what I'd do with Math. I really can't see myself as a teacher, but you never know...
Thanks for reading!
Right now life is better than it has been in over a year. Isn't that crazy? Last semester was so horrible, and there were many things that happened last year that made it awful. But now, life is amazing.
I am looking for another major right now, leaning towards Math. If anyone has any suggestions or thoughts on this, they would be greatly appreciated. I just don't really know what I'd do with Math. I really can't see myself as a teacher, but you never know...
Thanks for reading!
22.1.10
A friday post!
I'm actually at a computer again, so I'm doing a friday fill in. Exciting!
1. You have a chance to be one in a million.
2. I wish I new what I was doing right now!
3. There is a song in my heart.
4. If you upset me you might get away with it now and pay later.
5. It's time to get myself another compy.
6. My life is up in the air but I'm trying to be optimistic anyway.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going to an awesome choir concert, where another friend is preforming, tomorrow my plans include too much to think about and Sunday, I want to sleep!
1. You have a chance to be one in a million.
2. I wish I new what I was doing right now!
3. There is a song in my heart.
4. If you upset me you might get away with it now and pay later.
5. It's time to get myself another compy.
6. My life is up in the air but I'm trying to be optimistic anyway.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going to an awesome choir concert, where another friend is preforming, tomorrow my plans include too much to think about and Sunday, I want to sleep!
21.1.10
Hi, do you have any advice on netbooks?
So, I haven't forgotten that I have this thing called a blog. And that I like to write random things about my life here. And people read it.
It's just I don't own a functional computer right now (but I have two very nonfunctional ones that I could offer at a great price!), and typing a whole post on my iPod takes patience and dexterity. And sometimes, I'm not really big on either of those things.
I am looking into buying a computer - this one actually:
The Asus Eee PC 1005 HA. I found it here for under $300. So, what do you think? Should I go for it? Research a bit more? Any advice from my dear friends? Any and all will be greatly appreciated.
It's just I don't own a functional computer right now (but I have two very nonfunctional ones that I could offer at a great price!), and typing a whole post on my iPod takes patience and dexterity. And sometimes, I'm not really big on either of those things.
5.1.10
Friends?
Friends.
When they're there, they are the best thing ever. Having someone you can turn to when you're feeling down, just to say a few encouraging words, can make the biggest difference in the world.
But what happens when that friend, who was there through thick and thin, just stops caring? What if they no longer notice if you're down, stop seeing how much you need to confide in them?
What once was bliss is now misery; how can you say goodbye to someone who has helped you so much? Yet how long do you hold on to the hope that they'll come back, and care again? How long before it's too painful thinking about how you could have helped each other?
I just don't know. I just don't know.
When they're there, they are the best thing ever. Having someone you can turn to when you're feeling down, just to say a few encouraging words, can make the biggest difference in the world.
But what happens when that friend, who was there through thick and thin, just stops caring? What if they no longer notice if you're down, stop seeing how much you need to confide in them?
What once was bliss is now misery; how can you say goodbye to someone who has helped you so much? Yet how long do you hold on to the hope that they'll come back, and care again? How long before it's too painful thinking about how you could have helped each other?
I just don't know. I just don't know.
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