wordless wednesday

dreams

I've been sleeping little at night (due to not going to bed until 10:30 or later), so I've taken up a habit of coming home from work and taking a nap. Today, I figured I only needed a one hour nap, but with the help of snooze, it turned into a one and a half hour nap. Whoops?

What was interesting about todays nap was the dream(s) I had.

First I was at work, custodial. I was dusting the hallway or something (I do that when I'm really bored, and don't want to just sit down). Suddenly my sister was there, and my brother. Both live in Houston. All their kids were there, too. This wouldn't be so strange, but after they showed up, my 5 year old nephew picked me up. And he was almost as tall as me. Strange?

After that, I don't remember much, except my other sister was there, telling me I had to get up and clean my room (something I was going to do today. Maybe after my second job?). When I woke up for reals, I felt really guilty about this.

The final last thing I remember, is I dreamt that I woke up, and was checking my text messages, and it turns out I had gotten one from Sam. But, when I really woke up, it wasn't on my phone. Odd? I say yes.

I doubt these mean anything, other than I'm excited for family to come in June, I feel guilty for not cleaning my room, and I text too much.

stress

Why is it just when you think you've got things figured out, you don't?

Why is it that some of my best days are also my worst?

For heaven's sake, why the heck does my body try to kill me when I get stressed?

the dictation

I'm sorry, I promised a more in-depth post about my doctors appointment. Unfortunately, sometimes life has other plans. But, yesterday I received the dictation of the appointment in the mail, looked over it, and decided I had to blog about it.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, the dictation is basically the doctors notes from the visit. After I left (or later that day), he pulled out a tape recorder, and basically recapped the appointment, what we talked about, what I have to do, etc. And actually, I find parts of it quite hilarious.

It's split up into parts, and I'll do the same here. I won't do it word for word, unless there's a particularly amusing part (which there are some that I found quite hilarious), or the section's so short that if I don't do it word for word, there's no point.

warning: this might be quite long.

INDICATIONS:

"Aortic Stenosis, aortic insufficiency, mitral stenosis." This is what I have. My aorta artery is enlarged, which means it's not functioning right. The valve isn't opening all the way, so it can't let as much blood in as it should, and it's not closing all the way, so it's letting some blood back in, which then has to be repumped. Also, my mitral artery also has the same problem, but since it's not a major artery, the doctor isn't concerned about it.

HISTORY:

This recounts our first conversation. We talked about how I'm attending BYU, studying Computer Science. How they found the murmur, etc. It talks about how my echocardiogram was "suboptimal", so I got a transesophageal echocardiogram, which "[showed] normal left ventricular systolic function, thickened aortic valve leaflets, with moderate to severe aortic stenosis, peak velocity of 4.5 meters/second, calculated valve area of .9 cm squared." Doesn't that sound fun?

This also says "[yellow m&m] reports having dyspnea with exertion ever since elementary school. She could never exercise like her peers." Doesn't that sound fun? Dyspnea might just be my new favorite word. (fyi, dyspnea is just a fancy word for shortness of breath).

My favorite part: "She denies orthopnea, paroxysmal nocturnal dyspnea, palpitations, tachycardia, chest pain and syncope." Now, I have no idea what any of those mean, but they sound really cool, right?

CARDIOVASCULAR RISK FACTORS:

This just says I don't know of any time that I had rheumatic fever, but I've had strep a few times.

PAST SURGICAL HISTORY:

"Negative." Yep, never had surgery. Woot!

PAST MEDICAL HISTORY:

This talks about my thyroid problem, and says I have no history of anything else.

SOCIAL HISTORY:

This just says I grew up in Utah, is a Junior at BYU, and working two part time jobs.

HABITS:

Talks about how I like to drink caffeinated beverages every once in a while, but I don't use alcohol, tobacco or street drugs.

REVIEW OF SYSTEMS:

"The review of systems is negative except for that described above."

PHYSICAL EXAMINATION:

This is my favorite sentence: "The patient is a pleasant young woman in no current distress." I should put that on facebook or something. This just gives blood pressure, pulse, etc. I also like this "The chest is nontender." No idea what that really means though.

ELECTROCARDIOGRAM:

Describes the EKG findings - I have a problem.

IMPRESSIONS:

Basically, this part says that we don't know exactly how bad it is, but that the level of my dyspnea is out of proportion to what we think is wrong.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

Cardiac MRI.

where I hate stairs

I was going to post this a while ago. I thought I'd have more to say about why I hate stairs. But, since I've tried taking stairs out of my daily life, my life has actually improved. Of course, my room is upstairs so I have to take some. So, without further ado, why I hate stairs:

So, I hate stairs. Really. They suck.

Even a set of 10 stairs can take my breath away. Literally.

I will go all out of my way to avoid any sort of stairs.

They're just so old-fashioned. Shouldn't we have moved past the stairs by now?

Not that there should be no stairs at all, just a few here and there.

New Plan

Apparently I need a boyfriend ASAP.

Any volunteers?

This week - the aftermath

I survived. Somehow (although the week isn't quite over yet).

Finals? check.

Doctors appointment? check.

Help my friend move out? check.

Work? check.

Sleep? half check. (I slept in this morning. That was beautiful)

I guess next week is the "mom gets home soon, CLEAN!" frenzy. Wish me luck.

my sometimes-favorite day

1. Apparently there's some sort of cleaning going on. 2. It's a sunny day. 3. 2009 has actually been kind of crappy so far. 4. You know that was it. 5. For too long I've been in denial. 6. I am not obsessed with you; I am not! 7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to working, tomorrow my plans include working and Sunday, I want to do something...i don't know what yet!

wait, do I need to put something here?

THE RULES: Step 1: respond and rework—answer the questions on your own blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own. Step 2: tag—other people. Make a list of things you can see without getting up: Lots of boxes. a couch. my friend and her sister. chairs. Favorite football team: I always have this hope that BYU will be awesome. What are you wearing now? T-shirt and pants. a hat. What’s the last thing you read/are currently reading? The Wednesday Letters. Do you nap a lot? I wish. Who was the last person you hugged? Liz. What’s your current obsession/addiction? MP3 players. What was the last thing you said aloud? "That would be fine." What Web sites do you always visit when you go online? gmail. google reader. facebook. cnet. the board mb. What was the last thing you bought? cinnamon sticks for breakfast. What are you listening to right now? someone walking across the floor. myself typing. What is something you wish you could do more? Sleep. read. What gives you hope? Peace. What is your favorite weather, and why? Sunny. Temperatures in the 70's or 80's. What time do you usually get up? 4:05 am (after snooze) What is your most challenging goal right now? To find peace. If you could have a house–totally paid for, fully furnished–anywhere in the world, where would you want it to be? England. or possibly Houston. Favorite vacation spot? Houston. 3 of my siblings live there. Name one thing you just can’t resist no matter how bad it is for you: Staying up late reading. Have you ever met anyone famous? No. If you could have any job in the world , what would it be? A mom. Or maybe a gadget tester. What was the last thing you ate? Popcorn? maybe.

If you had $500 in your hand right now.... what would you do with it? Ohh, so many tempting things. But I'd probably just put it in the bank. If you didn't have a job or go to school what would you do with your time? Hang out with friends. Find a job. What is your favorite place to go out to eat and what do you order? I don't go out to eat enough. But right now, I'd say Los Hermanos. and the Taco Loco is always good. What is your very first memory? My brothers playing with fire in the basement. What is one thing that scares you more than anything else? Does the future count? What cheers you up? My friends. Twitter. Would you rather experience a tornado or a hurricane? Probably a hurricane.

If you could buy one CD right now, what would it be? No Name Face by Lifehouse.

Sam, I choose you!

happy earth day

Not that I've done anything for earth day. Whoops.

So. Maybe tonight or tomorrow I'll do a full post on the past few days. For now, here's a few highlights:

- Sunday I got a new calling.

- Monday went well. Except for the part that I found out my Drs. appointment was Tuesday instead of Thursday (and in the middle of a final, too!) Rushed to campus to finish final(it was take home) and turn it in.

-Tuesday I went to the doctors. Basically I have a few things wrong, but the two tests we've had done aren't accurate enough. So I get to have a Cardio MRI. In May.

-Today I finished my last final. And I'm headed to work. Tonight I sleep long and hard.

stalking

Is it considered stalking if you either a) ask permission first or b) get asked to do it?

next week

So, this week was nice. Only one day of classes, one last assignment to finish, and a few days to relax. To prepare for next week. Which looks like this:

Monday: Pick up CS 142 final. Try not to faint in horror. Work both jobs.

Tuesday: Turn in Mission Prep final. Work on 142 final. Work one job.

Wednesday: Turn in 142 final. Breath a sigh of relief that finals are done. Work both jobs.

Thursday. Go to the Cardiologist. Find out details about my heart. Work both jobs.

Friday: Say goodbye to my friend. Clean the house. Work both jobs.

Saturday: Finish planning my summer. Work one job.

Yes, I'm working 43 hours next week. While finishing up school. I sort of hate my manager at Macey's. But, someone left at the Deli, so I 'get' to pick up some of her hours. Go me. I guess I'll like my paycheck.

As a side note, I hope the snow's gone for good this time. Hear that Winter? It's over, give up. You're just giving Utah weather a bad name.

please?

Can I just run away? Not that it would help, but maybe I'd get some sleep.

what if...

life sucks sometimes. well, make that most of the time. i guess you'd say life's all in your attitude. but what if you didn't care anymore? what if it hurt so much, you didn't care about being happy, or even pretending to be happy?

what if friends try to help, but don't realize how they can help? what if they try something, and it doesn't work, because you've tried it yourself? what if it makes things worse?

"what if it does?" a voice whispers. "what if this is what you need to get you going again?" you try to ignore the voice, but it won't go away. it nags at you.

you almost want to give in, if only for some hope. but you know that if it turned out badly, you'd only hurt more. you don't want to allow yourself hope. the pain is numb now, almost comforting.

what if there was one thing you knew would help, but it was as out of reach as the moon? or the stars?

what if...

is that my laptop?

Saturday I worked. This isn't an unusual occurrence, I work most Saturday's now. I'm almost used to it, actually. But this Saturday we had company in town: my dad's cousin's wife, some of her kids, and a foreign exchange student who was living with them. They all drove down from California for General Conference (which hopefully I'll talk about later this week).

But, after work on Saturday (I worked from about 3-11:30 pm), I walked in and found most of my second cousins still awake, watching Cinderella (in VHS, since we don't own it in DVD). The first thing I noticed? The foreign exchange student had a mac on his lap. Cool, I thought. I'm not the only mac lover in the family. But, then I looked closer. Something about it seemed familiar. And that's when it hit me: That's my laptop! I thought. I made eye contact with him, and he said "Oh, I was just using it to check the weather." They were driving back to California the next morning. A valid reason, I suppose. Except it is MINE, I thought. "Do you need it now?" he asked. "No, I'll be down in a minute." My hands were full anyway, I didn't want to risk dropping it (again).

I returned and grabbed it. He seemed really nice, and he had only used it for a few things (although myspace keeps showing up on "recently visited", despite the fact that I don't use it, and he only used it to "check the weather).

But, he did use it without asking. True, I was unreachable. And it was just lying on the table. I was at work. So, is he justified? Or, should he have just waited until I got home, or asked one of my siblings to use their computers (they each have one, really)?

Even though I'm not really upset about it, it's one of the things that makes me go "hmm".

first friday in April

And...here we go! 1. Angel or not, I will try not to die. 2. I won't be any way you want me. 3. As my mother used to say, you're full of it. 4. I eat ice cream after I'm done working out or doing something strenuous. 5. Even in the most crowded of rooms I can feel alone. 6. Today is a day fraught with peril. 7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to not working, but being with friends out and about!, tomorrow my plans include watching conference and working and Sunday, I want to watch conference with family or friends!

shuffle, shuffle

Since I'm a sucker for all sorts of blog memes, I read this and decided I really wanted to do it.

It's one of the simpler one's I've ever come across.

Open iTunes, or your music player of choice.

Go to your main library, where all your music is.

Push shuffle.

List the first 20 songs that play.

Now, I have just over 1000, and have quite a variety, so this will be interesting. Note: I am not including unchecked songs.

Nine In the Afternoon, Panic at the Disco

Frog and Toad, Chris And Dan (from Guitars Unplugged 2009)

We're not the Hundred Hour Band, 100 Hour Band (from the 100 hour board)

What Would You Say, Dave Matthews Band

Easier to Be, Lifehouse

The One I Love, Greg Laswell

Can You Feel It Now?, Tremolo

Never Think (Twilight Soundtrack Version), Rob Pattinson

Over You, Daughtry

September, Earth, Wind & Fire

Feels Like Tonight, Daughtry

It's You, Nichole Sheahan (from Guitars Unplugged 2009)

The Hardest Part, Coldplay

Where the Story Ends (Piano Version), The Fray

It's Beginning to Get to Me, Snow Patrol

If This Is Goodbye, Lifehouse

The Space Between, Dave Matthews Band

All the Trees Of The Field Will Clap Their Hands, Sufjan Stevens

City of Blinding Lights (2005 Live from Milan), U2

Hunger For The Great Light, Dave Matthews Band

yesterday

So, yesterday was interesting. And fun. In an odd sort of way.

I got to the hospital right on time, and had plenty of fun paperwork to fill out. Mainly "Have you ever..." and "Do you..." questions. Most of these I answered no. I got my bracelet - it's so fashionable I decided to keep wearing it for a few days. I'll probably cut it off tonight.

After all that fun stuff - including paying for the dang thing (hey, I'm a poor college student, even with insurance this isn't cheap) - I was taken back to a bed. I changed into one of those highly fashionable hospital gowns, and waited.

I really liked my nurse. His name was Bob, and he actually had a sense of humor! He put in my IV (although the equipment malfunctioned and he had to do it again), and explained to me a little of what was going to happen.

Then we waited. Eventually they called my name again and a different nurse came, put the rails up on my bed, and rolled me down the hall and into the room where they did the actual test. But first I had to gargle this disgusting stuff. They even said it was really gross, as they handed it to me. Somehow I got through it. Then someone else injected the sedative into my IV and the last thing I remember was laying on my side.

When I woke up, I was back in the other small room, with my sister sitting in the chair next to me (Did I tell you - my pregnant sister is the one who got to take me, since I couldn't drive myself home. :^D ). Just a few minutes after I was waking up, some friends came to say hello. We had some very interesting conversations. Which I will not recount. I blame the drugs and my sister.

Finally, they gave me some juice, so I could clean out my mouth (it still tasted gross). I proved I was awake because of how I handled the straw so awesomly. Go me!

They told us (mainly my sister) some of what they found: two of my valves are small, and have scaring. The scaring is usually from rheumatic fever, or Strep. I had Strep once, so it must be from that. Anyway, I have to meet with my regular doctor, who will read the notes which were taken by the doctor who did my procedure, and my regular doctor will tell me more. Then I get to find a Cardiologist, who will become my friend for life, I fear.

Then I got up and was surprised at how woobly I was. I joked with my sister how I had chosen a pregnant lady to help me - bad idea! But, we made it home just fine. I collapsed in a lay-z-boy, and had a nice nap. I woke up, had lunch with my sister and a neighbor friend - Rozanny - and then took a bath.

That evening I went over to Rozanny's and had a good time - playing with her daughter, Ada, and watching movies.

I did go to bed at a reasonable time - it was before 9 pm at least. But, I forgot to change my alarm or something, so I sort of slept through work this morning. Whoops! But, I did tell them I might not be in, so I'm sure it'll be just fine when I go tomorrow.

Yay for adventures!