I was happy today. That is all.

Sigh

So tumblr is down. If you didn't know I moved to tumblr sorry, I did. But it's been down. And I have something I want to post. So I'll post it here. Genius! I'm afraid. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of being wrong. I'm afraid of disappointment. I'm afraid of loss. But mainly, I'm afraid of being happy. Yes, you read that right. I'm afraid of being happy. You might ask "why?" Well, I'm afraid if I'm happy it means that I'm ok with how my life is. I'm afraid I'll be ok with my situation right now. I'm afraid that if I'm happy, I'll start to wonder why I was unhappy for so long. My therapist brought this up this week. He told me I should move on from the pain I'm feeling right now and work on being happy. He also explained why I'm afraid to move from this spot in life. See, even though I'm going through some hard things right now, I've been going through it so long that I'm used to it. Does that make sense? Basically I'm saying that I've been in this situation for so long that ironically I am ok with it. It hurts, but I know how much it hurts. It's a comfortable hurt. So I'm afraid to stop hurting. I'm afraid that the minute I'm happy, something else will come into my life, something harder. Something that will cause me more pain, more hurt. I'm afraid of change, that the minute I move on from this pain, God will throw something harder into my life. So why bother being happy, or trying to be happy, when it won't last? Whenever I'm tempted to be optimistic, I'm reminded of something that President Hinckley quoted on several occasions. "Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.” To me, this says "Expect life to suck most of the time. Only occasionally will you be truly happy. But be grateful anyway." Basically: be a grateful pessimist. I know that's not really what President Hinckley was trying to say when he quoted this. But whenever I think about being happy I'm reminded of this quote and think to myself: "is it really worth it?"