I admit it.

I've thought about doing this for a while. But I've never had the nerve. Until today. So here it goes.

I have depression.

There. I said it. I admitted it. Online. I've suffered this for a while, and I started seeing a therapist in September/October of last year. And I've been on medication since January.

I don't know why it's so hard to admit this. I guess I like to pretend online that my life is perfect, or at least more normal than this.

I guess I also think that no one wants to listen to someone whine about how much their life sucks and how they just want to die. To be honest, I know I have much to be thankful for. I just feel like hell right now. And my brain keeps telling me it's never going to get better. I feel like a total failure, like I've let everyone down. Like I don't deserve to live. Like it would be better for the whole world if I died. And my thought process goes down from there. Until I'm convinced that I need to just go ahead and kill myself.

Obviously I haven't done this yet. I have a lot of friends who I talk to when it gets too bad. And I'm trying to live. Right now I know I can't get better on my own. Last week we increased my dose with my "happy pills" but with all SSRI's it takes up to 5 weeks for us to see if it's working. So I have a few more weeks of plodding through before I even know if this is working. And if not, I get to start over with a different prescription. Sounds fun, right? This also makes me just want to give up.

But, I'm doing it. I'm alive. I can't do much. But somehow I get myself to get out of bed (Having family in town helps. No, let me rephrase that. The only reason I get out of bed is because I have my sister in town.), and talk to family. A little. And I listen to Linkin Park. And feel like crying. And sometimes I do cry.

One day Maybe I'll feel better. I'm trying to have hope, but mainly I'm just convincing myself that I'm too tired to kill myself today. And it works.

Friday!

It's friday! And I'm posting. :)

1. I don't know what I'll be doing today at 6:58.
2. It was the reason, of course, why I was there.
3. Crying is something I no longer feel the need to do.
4. I have another errand to run, then I'll be ready.
5. It's out there somewhere...just go find it
6. What were once vices are still vices.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hanging out with family, tomorrow my plans include going to Kennecott Copper Mine and Sunday, I want to play games!

Who Am I?

Who Am I? - Ethan's Song

Diana Steele & Scott Smith

Who am I? Where did I come from?

Who am I? Where do I go from here?

In this life, I've so many choices

How can I find a path that's always clear?

Who am I? What is my purpose;

Am I just meant to wander through this land?

Where do I go when I find that I'm afraid

And the doors aren't always open where I used to run?

Oh, show me which way I should turn

And teach me all I need to learn

Then take my hand and tell me it'll be okay

And help me find my way back home

Well I don't, I don't know all the answers

And I don't think I'm gonna learn them all here

So I keep my eyes on the horizon

And focus on the ones I hold so dear

Who am I, Am I all that you hoped for?

And have I made you proud to call your own?

I'm in your hands; I'll follow where you lead

And I'll listen for your voice to call to me

And tell me which way I should turn

Teach me all I need to learn

Then take my hand and tell me it'll be okay

And help me find my way back home

Give me strength

In all my trials

And I will pass that strength along

Oh, show me which way I should turn

And teach me all I need to learn

Then take my hand and tell me it'll be okay

And help me find my way back home

Oh, you know me and all I can do

Help me find my way back to you

This song was written for my nephew, during his fight against cancer. But right now I'm finding strength through it. It's really an amazing song, and I can send you a copy if you're interested.