11.10.08
today
Sometimes I wonder if something wrong with me. You'd think that after all of this, I'd find some sort of outlet.
Not yet.
Today was quite the day. It started out with me waking up at 6:45 terrified that I had slept in and wondering why I had stayed up until midnight last night. Which is when I remembered that it was Saturday, not Monday. So, I went back to bed.
When I came downstairs, everyone was sitting around Grandpa's bed. I knew that something had changed. I stayed in that room for almost 6 hours straight, leaving only to use the restroom. Of course, when I came back he had died.
The thing is, I see my relatives cry, bawling their eyes out. But I don't feel a thing. I might have shed a tear or two, but nothing like my mom or sisters are going through.
Am I a bad granddaughter? Am I not greiving as I should? Who knows?
Maybe I just can't see the use of crying. Why cry when I can be happy that he's finally free and that my mother is free? He's with his wife. He's with my niece. He can walk, can talk, and can think clearly. He can go wherever he wants. Why be sad?
But, I see everyone around me grieving, and I wonder, Is something wrong with me? Perhaps not. I knew where he is, and I envy him.
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Not crying isn't bad. We all grieve differently. So no, you are not bad.
ReplyDeletennglrx
I felt the same way when my Grandfathers died. Within six months of each other. And then I cried like crazy when my best friend's uncle died. So I think you're fine.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was very close to my great grandmother. I didn't see her die, but besides a few tears when we went to clean out her apartment, I didn't cry at all. I thought I was bad as well.
ReplyDeleteNow I see that the hope of the Plan of Happiness can give us peace in times like these.
You're not a bad granddaughter.